National Eating Disorders Association

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jester
Relapsing

I usually post on Maintaining Recovery but this seems more suited for here.
I have been restricting lately and have really fallen back into the eating disorder mindset. It probably snuck back in because of stress about family conflict and upcoming possible travel, and now I am getting back into the mindset of wanting to lose weight. Which is hard to shake...

I cooked a sweet dish with my housemate just now and doubt I will eat it. I was handed a [small piece of food] to try and ate it, and now feel weird because I planned on not eating today, in advance of going to dinner with my grandmother tonight which I am stressed about. I really don't know how it will go because I am afraid I will feel bad for eating, or will feel the need to compensate afterward.
I wonder if I should text my therapist but I am not sure what I would say or what I would want her to say. The problem is my eating disorder manifests in wanting to be underweight. So it inherently makes me want to be sick, which makes wanting to recover difficult. It tricks me into being afraid of being the bare minimum of healthy.
I dont know. Like I guess it would be good to just... Get back on track. Wake up tomorrow and decide to eat. But I am scared and have lies in my head telling me I should remain unwell.
Yeah. Not sure what to do. I think if I lived alone I would have relapsed many more times and much worse because it would be so much easier to trap myself in behaviors. Tabitha Farrar talks about going off to university and becoming fully consumed by the disorder. I guess it's good that I am in a house with other people, but part of me is (wrongly) frustrated by it.

Yeah really not sure what I'm gonna do.
Hope everyone is doing ok <3 I believe in you even if I'm struggling to believe in my own recovery right now.

alwaysthinking
Sorry

I believe in you too. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and I hope that your dinner at your Grandmother's went well. Let us know what happened. I understand that desire to be underweight and I also understand that desire not to be recovered. Hang in there and I hope things work out for you. Take care

jester
update

I am feeling weird about things. Like less clouded by ED thoughts but it feels bad to "give up" and eat. I am considering upping my intake for a bit for a few reasons but I dont like the idea of doing that and then not returning to heavy restriction... I don't like the idea of not being very ill.
I did tell my therapist on tuesday that I have been relapsing, and she was probing into reasons which I wasnt really entertaining because I was just pushing my theories about the disorder. But it is true there is an aspect for me about self invalidation. I want to feel "sick enough". So I want to self destruct as much as I can... Even higher-intake restriction feels bad. Being only slightly unwell feels like failure.

Also today another support person i have said some stuff about me being autistic that felt invalidating. I don't want to be ok I want to be more miserable.

The only real reason I am considering upping my intake is that there is food in the house and I hate wasting food. I feel like I need to eat it before it goes bad. But that frustrates me because I wish I could be left alone to restrict.

I hope this is ok to post because it is not really working toward recovery :( just listing reasons I dont want to recover
which i dont want to encourage in others

alwaysthinking
Understand

I totally understand. I go through moments of this myself. There are days when I just want to be completely anorexic again. When I want to be starving myself completely. And then there are days when I tell myself why in the world would I want to starve myself and be sick and need to be hospitalized all the time? It's totally understandable. It's our disease talking to us. It loves to deceive us. I think something that might help you, or at least I've had various people ask me this, is what does your eating disorder do for you? What are you get out of being sick? When that question was posed to me, I really didn't have to think for very long. I realized that being sick gave me people showing me love and people taking care of me. Because of my life I've never had that. But then I also realized it was a superficial love and a superficial being taken care of. It wasn't a true connection. I much prefer the connection that I have when I am being real and having fun and being silly and just being myself and being healthy. So, just my suggestion, maybe when you are able to discern what restricting and being sick does for you, then maybe you can figure out how to get past it and start living your life fully without having to give in to those disordered behaviors and get those things by being healthy. I hope this helps. Best wishes in your recovery

jester
thank you

I forgot to respond to this, but I really appreciate it. It is enlightening to hear somebody vocalize their experience with the same thoughts I have. It is true I want to feel loved and taken care of... My ED onset with my parents' divorcing and my family system has been destabilized in the aftermath, not to mention my history of "chronic invalidation" (unrecognized mental health issues etc in childhood)
I like to view restrictive ED through evolutionary terms but everything in psychology is blurred into everything else. It's important not to allow those evolutionary explanations to erase social and emotional components, whether they contribute causing or simply compound things.
I hope I can find a way to feel supported in day to day life... It feels very impossible seeing as how socially isolated I am. I think I would be good at loving and being loved by somebody, I just don't have anybody to have that with... Wish my one consistent social contact hadn't moved across the country.