National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Why?

Why? Why does it have to be so impossible? I finally decided to eat, because I was already beginning to feel miserable simply thinking about it. I should have known better. Immediately, my father's voice started in my head, saying things he used to say to me, on a regular basis, about how worthless I am, how I'm nothing, how I'm a piece of trash, and that I never should have been born. I knew if I ate, that would start all over again. And even worse, a bit later, when I was praying, I ended up having two absolutely awful flashbacks. Why does eating have to become the catalyst for all of that? I can't win. If I eat, that happens. If I don't eat, I run the risk of entirely too many physical issues and problems. My life is a total disaster.

iwanttolive
alwaysthinking

Hi. I am sorry your earthly father did such harm to you and wasn't nurturing and loving to you as he should have been. I would like you to consider your Heavenly Father Who loves you and sent His Son to die for you. That is how much you are valued. You are not worthless. You are important. You are a child of The Most High God. That is SOMETHING> You may need to work at it but try to replace the lies your father told you and believe the Truth of who God says about you. You CAN break free from this. Did you hear of my analogy of the record getting stuck in a rut? If not let me know and I will explain it to you. You can do this because of Him. No. It isn't easy. But possible. I care about you and am sorry you are in so much pain and conflict. You are special. Try to start to believe this. You deserve food. Try to start to believe this. Ask God to help lessen the voice of your earthly father and to learn to hear His voice more clearly and louder. Hope this helps. Your friend.

iwanttolive

alwaysthinking
Thx

I appreciate your kind words. Stuff I know, and it's not easy to feel. At least I'm still asking Jehovah God for His help. I know as long as I continue to do that, He'll always be with me. Thanks again.

London1621
Hi

I'm sorry about this and hope you will be okay soon. Hugs.

Savedbygrace
I relate

I'm so sorry about the flashbacks. My dad was also my perpetrator, start at infancy for 10 years or so. All I can say is I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered.

alwaysthinking
Thx

Thank you both

Savedbygrace
You're very welcome

How are you doing now?

alwaysthinking
Breakfast and last night's snack

I've had both so far. A major accomplishment, considering how little I've eaten recently. I was determined not to let my father continue to control me, and it still caused a lot of anxiety, because I had a lot of nightmares, night terrors, and a flashback during the night. In fact, if you happen to note the time that I'm posting, it's way early, and I was too afraid to return to sleep, so I got up and had breakfast instead, while reading the Bible. (My normal morning ritual - just much earlier than normal) My biggest problem now is I'm having problems breathing and feel awful physically. I just don't know if it's stemmed from anxiety or something more serious, due to the way I've been treating my body recently. Life is so complicated!