National Eating Disorders Association

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BitterMeringue
Afraid to leave inpatient

I've been on an inpatient unit for about a month now. This is not my first time in treatment, however this time i'm finding myself much more afraid to go home. I genuinely do not feel as though i'm ready, and being an adolescent, I have no say in when I discharge.
I still struggle to control behaviors and feel extremely guilty before, during, and after I eat. But it feels safe to eat here.

I know when I go home it won't feel safe to eat anymore. I need the structure, the planning, the exact numbers. I won't get that at home, especially with my parents wanting to take full charge of my recovery.

There's been talk of doing a partial program when I leave inpatient which sounds good but still scares me. I'm not ready to go back to the real world and I hate it.

I feel terrible for saying that I want to be here. I have stuff I need to get back to. School, friends, life. But how can I do that if i'm going to be living in the eating disorder?

My thoughts on leaving treatment are so conflicted right now.

I go from wanting to stay, to eat, to allow myself to relax. To wanting to leave so I can go home and start my habits again. Then sometimes I just want to leave because i'm so terribly homesick.

All these thought's make me feel guilty and are making recovery harder and harder.

I'm not in a good place mentally right now, but it doesn't seem like anyone on my treatment team will take that into consideration. I fear what will happen when I go home.

alwaysthinking
Understandable

I totally get it. I felt the same way when I was in inpatient my first time. It's safe. I do think that if you have that step down of PHP that it will be beneficial and make things easier. I hope things go well. Keep us posted.