National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
brutus94

Hi. This is iwanttolive. We posted back a while ago. I am so sorry to hear of the seriousness of your daughters condition. My parent's got POA when I was very sick. The difference is I acquiesced. I knew they needed it and my life depended on it, so I let them. Now that I am better, it is in a locked box and they will not use it unless I need help, but I do not think it will be necessary anymore for the eating disorder but if something else comes up and the need it I will give them verbal permission to use it again.

You worry that if you use this form of protection for your daughter that your relationship may go beyond repair. That may be, but if it saves her life, and she understands why you have done what you are thinking about doing, once she returns to a state of thinking rationally, she may thank you. She may not. That is the risk you have to take. I can not tell you what to do. She may decide she doesn't want to get better no matter what. But I think it is important to find out why she doesn't want to get better. What she is afraid of in getting better. What that means to her. I would want those questions answered before the eating disorder takes her life. Harsh words. Takes her life. But I think you are living with that fear and are fighting perhaps more than she is at this point for her to survive this. Have the counselors said anything about this to you? You fighting more than she is, or is capable of?

I am really sorry for the pain you have in your heart. The destruction this blasted eating disorder and attachments have caused your family. It is insidious. Ugly. But given a chance, and getting your daughter to a point where she wants to try again, she may just have a fighting chance. And then comes the faith part. That is how I finally got better. My prayers are with you.

iwanttolive

brutus94
You understand, my friend.

You understand, my friend. Honestly, the POA sounds like the ultimate sledgehammer that a parent can use to "fix" the issue. But.....I think you nailed it when you said you acquiesced. YOU acquiesced. POA is no guarantee that she will actually participate in anything. To be honest, I'm not even sure if a treatment facility would hold her against her will. And if they did, they can't force her to do anything. My fear isn't that she will hate me, my fear is that it will cause her to dig in deeper just to prove she can win the battle of wills.

You also nailed it when you said that her mom and I want her to get better more than she does. I really thought that we could bend her using financial leverage. She HATES the situation she is in.......and yet nothing changes. Currently, she is in denial and thinks she will be returning to school soon. It is a complete lack of reasoning, coupled with an ability to excel academically. Sadly, she is just not getting the help she needs. I don't know if it is lack of "will to get better" or if we just haven't found the right resources, or both.

iwanttolive
brutus94

Hi. How have things been going since our last post? I think what you said about the two intersecting intruders here are the not wanting to get better for whatever reasons, and the not getting the right help both work hand in hand. For me, for decades, I did not want to get better even though I told people I did, told myself I did, and went into hospital after hospital. I was afraid to get better. To be an adult. To be independent. Fear of not being able to support myself, work enough to support myself. Hold a job down. Fear of men and relationships. Fear of being me. So many fears. Then through a miracle, was healed at a women's retreat. This was fifteen months ago. Before then, I was working on recovery, but fifteen months of very little use of behaviors. Some overeating. Due to enormous stress and dealing with the abuse by my sister and the fact that she is seriously ill and face the fact that she may die, I did overeat for about two weeks. Overall I am doing very well. Still not totally independent, but that is okay. Interdependence is much better.
So. There are some valid reasons people are afraid to "let go" of the destructive eating disorder. For me, I have been able to trust God and talk with my Mom and some friends and am reaching out to help others, which helps keep me in check.

I say this to help you understand why your daughter may be afraid to let go of the disorder. I don't think we want to be sick, but being well is sometimes scarier. I thank God for helping me heal and I continue on the journey every day.

I was just wondering if you have made any decisions and how you are doing. I know how difficult it is for parent's to watch their child die. My parent's have had to deal with the fear of my dying years ago, and now my sister and her possibly dying. Not easy. But we have One we can lean on and He promises He will be with us and grant us wisdom. He will and He does. Leaning on the Everlasting arms.

iwanttolive

brutus94
I feel like the parent at a

I feel like the parent at a sporting event that is "overly animated" because they want their kid to succeed/win. I have always prided myself on not being that parent, the one that wants the success more than their kid does. Supportive, yes.....over-bearing and living my life through my kids, no.

Yet, here I am desperately wanting my kid to recover. Sitting of the sideline of life screaming (or wanting to scream) motivational cliches like "Come on, is that really the best you can do?". Agonizing because she is losing friends and missing time away at school. She has a terrific scholarship to a Christian college that she just feel in love with right away. It was a perfect fit. And yet, she could not hold up her end of the deal we made regarding health and our tuition help. So I ask myself.....is this really God's plan at work? Wow, the time we can spend wrestling with that one.

You are a spiritual person, so I will share just a bit more since we are as well. I know God can save her, but I also know He promises salvation and nothing more. No guarantee of a long prosperous life, no guarantee of a miracle cure. And I need to accept that, because salvation alone is enough. So for now, I guess I am really praying that God moves her to open up and be honest with someone about her feelings, to confront the fears, to have the difficult conversations. We are also working to find another counselor/therapist that may connect better and achieve this goal. Because I am convinced until that happens, no amount of arm-twisting, financial bribery, or verbal persuasion by me is going to move this child forward........and certainly not at the speed I would like. It is likely she will be home again spring semester, but we will see.

iwanttolive
brutus94

Hi. Thank you for sharing. I really understand what you are saying. God's perfect will and permissive will. Really tough to figure out in times of illness. My Mom especially is dealing with this with my one sister who is medically and psychologically ill. She lives in her bed and her life is in danger. She was in the hospital about four months in three states. She agreed to go to a rehab to get stronger but checked out. My Mom continues to make doctors appointments and my sister cancels. So today she cancelled and my Mom said this is it. She needs to want to do these things and my Mom is a cardiac patient and is not doing well emotionally at the thought of losing her daughter. But again, we can't want it more for them then they do. I want to go over to the house and scream at her, but that won't help anything. My Mom promised that if she backed out of this appointment then she is done. I am not sure she is capable of stopping trying to help but I think this is it. My Mom had a catheterization and then a large stint put in her main artery. She had three small strokes during the catheterization. She has not suffered from these but I am not sure. She has been so emotional and tired. She spent days and nights at the hospitals for weeks right after her procedure. She NEEDS to stop or she will get sick. She already is with anxiety and fatigue.

So, I understand what you are saying about wanting to help but also trusting God and handing our loved ones over to Him. Oh I have tears in my heart right now. Painful tears. For you, for my parent's, for me, for all of us who have to deal with the wreckless choices of those we love. My father was prepared to bury me. He is prepared to bury my sister.

I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. God wants your daughter to make the better choice, but He gave us free will. Tough one. I know. Anyway, I will be praying for you. Let God hug you.

iwanttolive