National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Overwhelmed

I tried so hard today. I was 100% on my meal plans for breakfast, a.m. snack, and then lunch happened. I made 100% on it, and it completely overwhelmed me. I saw my trauma therapist afterwards, and lost it totally. I bawled throughout the entire session, almost. Well, except for when I had a dissociative flashback, that is. Once I came out of it, I really wailed. I can't help feel so worthless and like a total failure. It's been the message ingrained into my brain for 40 years. I did manage to eat my afternoon snack on the way home, but that's it. No more. I can't do this. It's too much. I can't handle these feelings that always consume me when I do eat. As I asked my therapist today, how can something I know that's right feel so awful? I had disordered behaviors once I returned home, and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to eat tomorrow, or ever again, for that matter. I just can't handle this. I see my e.d. therapist tomorrow, so I'll see what she has to say, plus, she'll be calling the PHP place to see if they'll accept me. What's the point, though? Yes, I feel very hopeless, because it just doesn't feel like it's worth it. As usual, I don't feel worth it. I don't know why anyone bothers with me. I hate my life.

iwanttolive
alwaysthinking

Hello dear one. You are precious and loved. The messages you received early in life were harmful, ugly and destructive. I am so sorry for this. Children and even adults usually don't have the ability to discern the truth from lies. It seems that you are still stuck in this belief system that you are worthless, but I challenge you to find some verses and put them up on your bedroom walls in color and declare Truth over yourself everyday, even every time you are believing these old messages that remain stuck in your brain. I have given this analogy before but gladly will give it to you and hope you find it helpful. You are old enough to remember records. When a record started skipping, it meant it was caught in a groove, I suppose CD's apply to this as well. Someone had to manually pick up the arm so the needle could be placed over where the record got stuck in the groove. It is similar to retraining our brains. For me too. To renew our minds. We have to either with prayer have the needle moved off the groove to a different place, or have help through family, friends, therapists. Reading of the Word. As you do this often enough, a new groove will develop and the needle won't get stuck as often. I think this applies to trauma, bad memories, fears.

iwanttolive
part 2

Hi. I started to lose what I was posting so I decided to continue so I didn't lose it. I declare over you in His Name that you have value, worth and are deserving of life and food. I declare that you are set free from the past and are free to live and have life abundantly. You belong. You are loved. You ARE worthy. Period. End of sentence.

This by no means says I don't understand. I am still told that I am annoying, that I am too loud, and am afraid to be me around those closet to me. It is sad. Most of my life I have dealt with neglect or rejection of some type. My father just pulled old school stuff out from his attic. My first grade report card; I didn't make it to first grade after kindergarten because they said I was "socially maladjusted" at that young age. So I have dealt with this all my life. Anyway, back to first grade report care; in the second marking period my teacher remarked on the comments on the report card that I was struggling to concentrate and my grades were slipping as I seemed to be overly focused on other peoples problems and I was worrying. First grade. So now I am fifty almost two. Can't believe that. I still deal with rejection from family members and remember the serious bullying in 7th and 8th grade. Home wasn't safe, school wasn't safe. I told my therapist today again, that I have no memory of my parent's being home growing up, except for certain events. My sister really didn't want me alive. I had to hide from her many times. I say all of this to let you know I understand to a point, as much as I am able. My situation is very different than yours but the solution in some ways is the same. Reminding ourselves of who we are, Who died for us and gave us life. I know you are suffering and are in pain. Don't let them win. Don't let the eating disorder win. You have a lot to offer, and I say that by how and what you say here on the forum, even during your and in your pain. I hope this helps you some. I am here for you. Please KNOW that YOU are loved.

iwanttolive

tryingtobebrave
I agree with what iwanttolive

I agree with what iwanttolive has said. I don’t have a lot to post right now as I have very similar feelings and relate to what you said so much right now.
But you are so appreciated and worthy and I love you.
Braveheart

alwaysthinking
Thx

Thank you both. I know it logically, and my heart is not letting me feel it.