National Eating Disorders Association

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trial period

So, this is going to be a little two-fold. And I should note that I've never really gone in depth with my mom about my disordered eating and what it exactly looks like... but i digress...

Item 1: I've been living with my mom and her boyfriend for about a month due to some severe panic attacks that began happening in September. Previously, I lived on my own, so we all felt it would be best for my emotional and physical health if I stayed a while with them for support. At the beginning, I thought I'd be here only a weekend, but here I am, a full month later. I've noticed a variety of mildly unhealthy habits that I develop around my mom, mostly surrounding food and some emotional dependencies that come up when I'm with her long term. My mom is a huge advocate of 3 square meals a day, but her meals aren't exactly healthy and lean very far in to the southern home comfort food cooking that can be detrimental to health long term. While I've been here, some of my bingeing habits have been triggered and I never thought before that my unhealthy relationship with food was tied to my childhood and how I was raised in respect to how I view food. Now I'm seeing it more. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my mom for any ED baggage that I'm working through, I'm just noticing that her knowledge on the subject and her support of healthy living is a little lacking. So here comes my first sigh of relief. She and her boyfriend are taking a long weekend trip starting tomorrow. I will be officially on my own and making my own choices for the next four days. My hope is to realign with what makes me feel healthy and good about my choices, so that I can truly focus on recovery. But...

Topic 2: the other half of me is scared to death. In the past, I've hidden my disordered eating habits, and whats easier to do but hide when you have no one to answer to but yourself? I feel like I have a 50/50 shot of either being very very good and healthy this weekend, or falling deeply into a massive binge and unhealthy habits. I'm scared. And mostly, I'm scared that this means I may not be able to be alone again for a very very long time. I'm fiercely independent and I miss my own space, my own rules, my own life. How do I tell if I'm letting my fear rule my life or if I'm finally respecting my body and mind and allowing myself the help and support I need?

I could use some good ju-ju this weekend ya'll...

Your own voice

That's a difficult subject. What is your voice, versus your e.d. voice? I hope you are able to discern the difference and take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.


Best of luck, I'm cheering for you!

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