National Eating Disorders Association

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CASACERA
so alone in my addiction

for that's how this is. Nibbling on this and that late last night before bed. Grateful for sleeping through the night (woke at 6 but went back to sleep till 7). Like I was going on some marathon. Couldn't get to my breakfast fast enough. Decided on one that would be easiest on my stomach.The veracity with which I eat is so scary. Like I'm someone else and I'm not. I am so sorry for everyone here that suffers but I wish there was another soul with BED. I use to be able to get away for a break. Not an option anymore. And the terribly sad thing is, I know there are people who cannot talk about this. My best friend whom I met at a facility said to me recently. I'm the only one she can talk to about this but right now she's shut off, 'cause she's trying some new system. My ED feels different from bulimia because I feel like I have to live with the pain of and results of my behavior. I don't hate myself. I've struggled my whole life just managing something I have to keep doing to live. How to explain I operate on two levels. The CC that takes good care of herself and the subconscious part that pushes me and demands gratification and the sensation of turning to food. Waiting, longing for the oasis of blessed remission that I get every so often. Whoever reads this, thank you. I can't walk around and complain about this. There is no program of any sort here. And, I spent 15 yrs. in a well known support group system (not helpful). Hope to go for a bike ride later. Debating whether or not to post this. Well here goes. Hope I haven't upset anyone. CC

alwaysthinking
sorry

i'm here for you, and i support you. i don't know what else to say but i'm always thinking about you. take care

CASACERA
and me you ATK

you are a major bright and shining light for me. Wish I was for you. CC

lovetowrite81
CC

Hi CC-

I'm glad that you are able to express your thoughts on the forum. I can relate to much of what you describe as I struggled with BED throughout college-- the overwhelming feelings that sweep over us before a binge, the 2 sides- wanting to be healthy and the other part of us that can get overtaken by the need to turn to food. Even after 4 years of recovery, what you describe is exactly what I recall of my struggle. I just want you to know that as isolating as BED is, you are not alone. <3

How are you feeling today?

CASACERA
LTW81 today?

Right now is the crucial time. Bk aty 7, beloved bike ride at 10:30, lunch at noon. Healthy, delicious and a satisfying and appropriate amount. Thought I might ride again (warm weather precious but summer when I can ride coming to and end.) Since you experienced BED you know when the stomach now has room for food if I went for it. I'm not hungry but neither full. So there's room, there's room. Hubby put my bike back in the shed. If nice weather tomorrow I'll ride again. But now I can walk on the soft grass in my yard or across the st. in the cemetery. This kind of physical activity has a good effect on my constipation (and my spirit). I'm already obsessing on what I will have for dinner. This is the "monkey on my back". Being busy with projects or even passions only goes so far. There comes a moment of relaxing etc. and my "food devil" pounces. "one day at a time", yes? For me these days "one moment". I will think of you and ATK's, support and others as I try to make it through just this one day. This is how "i'm feeling today". Thank you so much for relating and listening. CC

lovetowrite81
CC

Hi CC-

I'm glad that you have been biking and finding that helpful! I really enjoy being outside too. I can definitely understand the obsessive thoughts about food. I like what you said- it really is more one moment at a time <3 You got this. It's always good to know that we're not alone and there are others who can relate.

_admin_moderator
Edited Your Post

Hi, CC - your post had to be edited because you included details about disordered eating and weight stigmatizing language. Please take a moment to take a look at our Community Guidelines here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines. Thank you in advance for helping to keep the NEDA forums safe and supportive!

CASACERA
thanks for reminding me

yes, I too want to "keep NEDA forums safe and supportive" thanks again

katie_82
Thanks for sharing

I hear you. A few things you’ve said that resonate: “I don’t hate myself.” “...spent 15 years in a well known support group”. It’s hard when you don’t fit a common paradigm....therapists have nothing to latch onto...it’s hard to find an explanation for the loss of control. I mean, we are all well versed in the explanations, but understanding them on an intellectual level don’t alter our impulses. It’s really hard. My hunch is we need to think outside the box...

CASACERA
thank you katie_82

Or maybe inside the box? What I'm aware of but keep trying so hard to put into place. Or, not trying so hard but still succumbing to my addiction, for that's what it is. So many folks that deal with addictions can cut out the source completely. Eating/food addiction unique, unlike others but have to keep treating each day with the possibility of succeeding as I have done that in the past. SERENITY PRAYER. CC

alwaysthinking
here for you

still supporting you, and here for you all the way

CASACERA
now is the BIG time ATK and ALL

To make it from 2-6 what a huge challenge. Since I've gone on a bike ride, friend stopped by. Couldn't wait for her to leave so I could have my lunch. How can I not feel terrible about this? But food means nothing to her, so can't discuss this with her. So sad. It's no different then enduring some pain and can't wait for your medication. Anyway breakfast and lunch were fine. If I can just make this a "Day !". Whew. CC

CASACERA
4:20 PM getting there

hang on CC, hang on....staying distracted

alwaysthinking
you can do it

you're strong enough and you can do it! here for you

CASACERA
MADE IT TO DAY 2

trying to pay attention to other physical issues as well. Exhausting. But at least I took care of this BED thing yesterday. When I don't eat as much don't sleep as well. Catch 22. CC

alwaysthinking
take care

take care of yourself. you are so worth it. you can do it again today. hang in there