National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Slight setback?

I'm kind of worried and a little scared and very anxious right now. I've been doing well for most of the day except for when I was doing my own choice of exposures. Yes I'm doing my own PHP again since I can't get into a hospital at the moment. I was doing an imaginal and that alone was giving me a lot of anxiety because I have a doctor's appointment on Friday where I know I will be getting weighed again, and one part of me is afraid that because I've started eating again I'm going to freak out when I see my weight. I know logically it really doesn't matter and what it really means is that hopefully I get to go on vacation later on this year and it means I got to do my ministry soon. But, as our inner voice loves to lie to us and mess with our heads of course there's a part of me that is freaking out about something that hasn't even happened yet. But for the most part I've been able to talk myself out of it using logic and get through the day. Then came supper, which made my anxiety increase exponentially, and I've been in freakout mode ever since and now I'm beginning to think I do need the hospital after all. So I really wish the one Hospital would make a decision and let me know what it is so that if they don't accept me I can start calling other ones. Because I also really want to be out of the hospital before it's time for my vacation start. I really thought I could do this on my own oh, which really isn't on my own because Jehovah God is always helping me and is always with me. And maybe by tomorrow or even later on tonight I'll feel that way again. Right now though I'm freaking out and it feels like a major setback and it feels like I just cannot do this on my own or at least without professional help I guess I should qualify by saying that. I hope I have other options. I'm just scared. Even though I know logically I still am not eating very much , it seems like it's been too much too fast. I need to get myself some space from all of this anxiety.

CASACERA
Dear ATK

Dear ATK
Here I am on the opposite side of a food/eating issue. My husband brought something home (meant for 1 person) that he hadn't for a long time and that I love. I asked if I could have 1/2 and of course he said "yes". I was already lost, actually the minute I saw it. As I mentioned, I often get in this alternate state when I eat. And ATK, then I'M off and running "the horses are at the post, AND THEY'RE OFF!". BUT, I was so happy to get two short bike rides in today, had to wait all summer till yesterday. The very thought of riding my bike (which I love more than I can say) gave me an actual 7 hr. sleep last night (tho I woke twice but went immediately back to sleep. So much is in my mind. When I move away from my subconscious drives I am able to find the best, healthiest and happiest solutions. Sort of "out of the fog", I guess ATK it's what you also said "I need to get myself some space from all of this anxiety". Isn't it ironic how we're saying such similar solutions to our problems? CC

alwaysthinking
Yes, it's ironic

Yes, it's ironic that we can be on opposite ends of the spectrum and still be saying the exact same thing.

alwaysthinking
And I gave in.

And I gave in. I'm so depressed and upset with myself

_admin_moderator
Hi, all!

Hi, all! Each of your posts had to be edited due to the inclusion of detailed ED behavior, which can be triggering to others. Please double-check our Community Guidelines: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines. We want you to continue honest and open dialogues like this one, and we need your help to keep this a space safe. Also, remember that in addition to our forums, the NEDA Helpline (800-931-2237) is open Mondays-Thursdays 9AM-9PM EST and Fridays 9AM-5PM EST. During these hours you can chat with us also by clicking the chat now option at the top right hand corner! :) Please continue posting - and alwaysthinking, try not to be upset with yourself. Recovery is a process, and not an easy one. But recovery is possible, and you’re already on your way.

alwaysthinking
Sorry

Sorry, moderators. I knew it was tricky and I was debating what I was allowed to say. Thank you for editing what needed to be changed. Sorry again because I do want to keep this a safe place.

alwaysthinking
Grrrrr!

Got the one phone call that I was expecting and it was as I expected. They aren't accepting me. I feel like I'm being punished because of what other people did to me. My wise mind of course recognizes that they have to take into account everybody's safety and comfort. My emotional mind says this is not fair what am I supposed to do? This is my life that's hanging in the balance. So, I just hope that the other Hospital calls me today and it's a successful intake. About ready to go see my therapist and talk about this and also the wellness check with my doctor on Friday and I'm shaking like a leaf because of my anxiety.

alwaysthinking
Still..

Still haven't heard from the other one and feel like I am back to square one,because I'm afraid to eat, again. Also exercising when I know I shouldn't be. Stupid disorder.

CASACERA
ATK

Glad you're calling the "disorder stupid". About "exercising". For me, one of my all time favorite things to do in warm weather is to ride my old Raleigh 3 speed bicycle. I look like Angela Landsbary (sp?) in "Murder She Wrote" with the high handle bars etc. Too many physical problems (like insomnia) & the traffic in July was awful, so I had to wait. But I focused on my sleep thing and because I had decent sleep for 2 nights was able to ride. First a warm up ride. And today before the rain, first of my 1/2 doz. special and favorite destinations. Not long rides mind you but how do I describe my sense of freedom and that word so often used here "control". I am so comfortable and in "control" riding and you being a music person, I keep thinking of the song "Born Free"! I sing a lot when I ride. One neighbor's house that I ride past said she's heard me. What's my point here? I never call it exercise. Always sounded like some chore I was "supposed" to do. I just get in motion at something pleasurable. I'm 85 yrs. old.(as my current hubby says WHAT! and then we laugh) but when I ride my bike I could be 35. Got side tracked. Changing subjects now. How can I talk about the dynamics of anorexia as one with BED? But I think if I was anorectic I'd search out one of if I'm lucky or several foods that taste good to me. Even in the smallest, smallest amounts, so that I'm not dealing with a fear of weight gain. And you, and all of us here are unique individuals. Some of your solutions as you sometimes have referred to, may turn out to be creative, coming from inside you, your own. I remember a young woman always talking about her fear of this favorite rich food and I asked her "what if I told you you had to eat a small amount every day or even twice a day etc. For myself, what I found was that part of me maybe wanted to keep this particular food special and when I had small amounts often enough it stopped being so special, and then where would I be? So many questions. So good to be able to talk about them here. CC