National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Spiraling

Okay, so I posted something in the maintaining recovery Forum called other people. It was talking about how people in the non eating disorder world can eat seconds or even thirds of stuff and not give it a second thought because it's what their body is telling them they need at the moment. Or even if it's not they just laugh it off and say that they'll do better the next time. So maybe they have disordered eating at times but they don't give themselves such a hassle for it and hate themselves about it. That's my summary of that post. The reason why I am rehashing it in this forum is because I wish I could be like that right now. I don't have a meal plan anymore because I'm doing intuitive eating where I eat when I'm hungry and I stopped when I'm full. I sort of try to follow the meal plan I had when I was in inpatient. And I don't give myself a lot of grief if that's not what I'm feeling like eating at the moment. It's just recently, I have been giving myself a lot of grief for eating, period. So today, I was determined to be doing so much better and not let the eating disorder kick me in the tuckus, except for at supper oh, it did. Because I decided I was still hungry after having my normal small portion of what I ate and I went back for seconds. And as soon as I did I felt awful emotionally and felt like my world was ending and that I was the most awful person in the world and that I immediately had to do something about it. And so when I was done eating, I compensated for it. And now I hate myself even more for it. So it wasn't even like I overate. It wasn't like I went off meal plan. I just did what quote unquote normal people do and I immediately freaked out and did something that is harmful to my body. Why? Why can't I get past this? I'm so sick of being sick. I hate this disease as well as all of my other ones. By the way I know a lot of people call them their inner demons and monsters and stuff. I call my eating disorder Maleficent. As in Sleeping Beauty's villain. And when I listen to the rational side of myself that knows what is right oh, that's listening to Prudence. I have a name for everything.

CASACERA
ATK

What can I possibly say except my eating was out of control tonight. I'm sick of this every bit as much as you. Started at 13/14 and now 85. I've worked at every single approach out there. Including the one you're doing. That's why I call mine a chronic addiction because the very thing I get lost in I have to still pick up and "do" 3 or more times a day. Whatever you or I do don't hate yourself. Please arms around you with compassion. No one but we who suffer and struggle with this "get it". Right now I have to ask myself what can I do to help myself move away from this experience and start again with day 1. But guess what my friend, I'm going to call it evening 1. Because I don't have to eat anything else this evening. I will now brush my teeth and move around gently ('cause my stomach ain't feelin' great) good soothing shower later and come back to the forum the second if I need to. It's an emergency for this lady. Let's take care of ourselves, no blame, just compassion. CC

CASACERA
p.s. ATK

I knew I needed to get moving to help myself. I've never been a comp. exerciser but I do know when I've been more sedentary I put on weight. With my feet problem walking on pavement is hard but the soft ground in the cemetery across the street is fine. I try to do 1/2 hr. walks when I do that. Did one early this am 'cause it was cooler and I have to wear long pants over there. Then I felt I needed to move more after mid aft. and did another, this time in my spacious yard. My overeating episode at dinner told me if I could before the sun went down try and walk some more. So I just did another enjoyable (let my imagination run wild) 1/2 hour. These are not speed walking, just nice comfortable natural pace. On with evening 1. CNN has movies from the 60's soon. Should be fun. OOPS now they say the Movie special is tomorrow night. Food is my enemy tonight. Must stay aware.

alwaysthinking
Can't

I think something that's making it difficult for me is that I can't exercise right now. I'm on activity restriction because of my tendonitis. My doctor is wanting me to do rest rest rest. And that is really hard for me whether I'm not exercising or just not doing. People that know me well know that I do not rest. I am never at rest so this is torturing my soul. And that's probably why I'm giving into Maleficent right now. My eating disorder.

CASACERA
I 've gone through the times had to lay on my back in bed

It's terrible. Once I had this cervical attack and was having to fly a distance to be in my son's wedding.There I was flat on my back in bed, my dress hanging in the closet. Couldn't get another. I was so terrified that I didn't even finish all my meals on wheels food given to me. I've never had that kind of fear but it worked for that one time. Wish I could bottle it.

sarcares
newbie

Hi, newbie here. Lately i've been really struggling. No one in my family knows about my diagnoses (AN)...does anyone have advice if telling family is useful? I'm finding it really hard to stop the behaviours on my own and through OP but am not sure what approach to take!

alwaysthinking
Scared

And now my body is telling me that it's hungry and it's time for the snack that I normally have in the morning and I'm terrified to have it. I'm terrified that if I eat, then I'll end up compensating for it. I'm terrified that if I don't eat I'll still end up compensating. I'm terrified,period. I don't know what to do. Help!

CASACERA
If it was me saying what you are saying

what might you advise me to do? Point is when I use the word clinical, it's taking the emotional part of my decision out of it. You are now your own nurse, dr. therapist etc., etc. You know yourself better than anyone else. My affliction is not the same as yours. But my disordered eating and before and after behavior has a beginning and an end. SO RIGHT NOW IS A NEW MOMENT FOR BOTH OF US. Yesterday my eating was off my plan, scattered, grazing whatever but overeating for sure. What time did you get up this am and have you had anything to eat so far? Too afraid? What do you think your body would like you to eat if it was advising you?

alwaysthinking
Still terrified

I'm still terrified. I've restricted all day. I wasn't even planning on eating my meals at all but I'm super shaky and feel really weird and that scares me too. So I'm eating something right now and that scares me. How did I get this out of control this quickly? I don't know what to do because I don't have anybody who deals with eating disorders. My therapist is trauma based he doesn't know how to work with eating disorders. My psychiatrist is wonderful and he really doesn't know what to do either. No one knows how to help me.

ape130
I agree with looking into

I agree with looking into admitting to an eating disorder facility. At the very least call one and get some info,maybe they have referrals near you

CASACERA
is there an inpatient possibility?

Sometimes even a short break out of the usual surroundings. When I was working full time there was a place (took about an hour on various public trans). I'd go up after work on Fri. and come back later Sun. I did that for many weeks till I felt better. Another time my psychiatrist (addiction specialist)and as I came for my apt. from work, nicely dressed but with some food gripped in my hand that was like a cat with a mouse. No way I was letting go of it. His first question was "CC would you like to go to a hospital?" I replied "thank you, oh thank you, yes". He:"I know a place for you, you'll love it and will do fine. I'll get you in and your insurance will cover it". Following week went to the place for an interview and the next week I was in for 5 weeks. Again, it was the break I needed. I didn't even need any meds. Incredible therapy group and private and much else.

alwaysthinking
Insurance

Right now my insurance won't cover anything. I have to have 60 days out of the hospital before it will cover anything again. And I just came from the ER which doesn't count as far as this type of insurance but I know things are getting really bad really fast. I have to call my doctor tomorrow to see what he gets to say. I don't know what to do anymore.

CASACERA
ATK sooo terrible, I'm so sorry

Would you like to be in a hospital? Before I saw the addiction Dr. who was so great, my analyst head director of a clinic saw me 2 yrs. before and when I said I had to be locked away from food in a hospital he said "CC go to the outpatient desk and throw a fit"...me: "what, throw a fit? I'm not crazy, I can't do that". Long story not for here, but I did get in for 3 weeks (with the crazies) I didn't care. My BED has it's own craziness. I hope your Dr. takes this seriously and maybe can get you in a facility. CC

alwaysthinking
I don't know. I will be very

I don't know. I will be very open and honest with him tomorrow and see what he says. I will tell him I need help. Because today at lunch I had to call the neda hotline and then even after eating which was not much I still ended up taking a laxative. I know I need help I just don't know what to do. I intend to start the conversation by asking for no judgment and no bringing up my anxiety as so many people want to blame everything on it. I just want help and I don't know what to do.

alwaysthinking
I don't know. I will be very

I don't know. I will be very open and honest with him tomorrow and see what he says. I will tell him I need help. Because today at lunch I had to call the neda hotline and then even after eating which was not much I still ended up taking a laxative. I know I need help I just don't know what to do. I intend to start the conversation by asking for no judgment and no bringing up my anxiety as so many people want to blame everything on it. I just want help and I don't know what to do.

CASACERA
Yes, ATK everything is blamed on anxiety

Can't sleep, anxiety. BED anxiety. The other thing is inflammation. Covers everything. I don't even talk about my other physical issues here. A lot of medical errors and needless procedures. Or, not caring if the procedure they're doing negatively affects another. Thank goodness the procedures were't life threatening. I'm big on research 'cause a number of my conditions there is nothing for. I actually invented a cheap solution to prevent a possible fingers amputation. Medical folks I've showed it to think it's great but there's no money in it. But that's o.k. it works for me. No amputation needed. So we go on. 2 days no overeating spasms. But sticking to my exact food plan's hard. But as long as I don't have an overeating episode. o.k. My weight's good and holding. Hang in. Hang on. Need you here! CC

alwaysthinking
Thx

Still not eating