National Eating Disorders Association

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jwick
Needing encouragement

I really wish I could post something in maintaining recovery, but I have to be honest.. I've relapsed hard. The only difference is the anorexia monster that almost killed me has been reborn as bulimia. Last night I was up until 4am, ordering delivery from multiple sources, and using behaviors. I'm really destroying myself. i had to be at work by 6.

But I went through recovery. I went to inpatient care. There was a time after that I really was taking care of myself. I don't think I have the willpower to do it all again. I need help snapping out of this really bad phase. I just needed to say it out loud, even if to the void. I don't think I could handle the stress and fear my support system would feel if they knew how badly I was doing.

I read something in a book the other day and I couldn't help but cry. This monster has so much power over me. It's so scary to realize there are two beings maneuvering the same body, but the one who is out to self sabotage has so much more power.

"And I remember wondering why it was that eating something good could make me feel so terrible, while vomiting something terrible could make me feel so good."
- Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club, Ch. 9

_admin_moderator
Dear jwick, we would like to

Dear jwick, we would like to inform you that we edited your post to remove specific disordered eating behaviors, which could be triggering to others. You can review our community guidelines here. Thanks for your understanding and please continue posting! 

alwaysthinking
Sorry

I wish I had more words of encouragement than sorry and it's normal unfortunately. I've heard a lot of people go from being anorexic to bulimic or other eating disorders whether they have specific names or are non-specified like mine is. It's very common. And I know you said you don't think you have the willpower to fight it again and yet that's what we have to do. Because we have to show the stupid eating disorder demons who's boss. We cannot let it take control of us. Yes it may win a few battles and we have to decide if we're going to let it win the war. And sometimes that means realizing that we need help from an outside source. There may be days when we relapse and binge, or restrict, or have other behaviors and we just have to get up dust ourselves off and start over again. I guess what I'm trying to say is try not to be too hard on yourself and keep trying. Do the best you can and if it honestly gets to be to the point where you can't do it, get help. Do you have a treatment team? If you have signs that clue you in when you are nearing the stage when you need inpatient, then be aware of them so that you can ask for that help. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this and we're here for you during the struggle.

CASACERA
ditto atk and more

Hi jwick, May you be surrounded by a big bubble of encouragement. I've been an inpatient twice. It was a great break from my battle (other side of the coin) to stop eating. Wanting a "food drip". So relieved when I heard the door lock on the floor I was assigned to in the hos. That said my biggest help (over the many yrs. I've struggled with this) was having a site like this to come to 24/7 whenever my food devil starting muttering propaganda. You see I only have a second to douse him/her with a water, image like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. "I'm melting, I'm melting". I was contacting every major (and minor) organization till finding this one. Assumed it was just for the two major forms of ED, then to my surprise and delight BED has joined the ranks. So here I am. Keep posting. My BED began all of a sudden at 13/14. When did yours, may I ask?