National Eating Disorders Association

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s.boewer
It's been so long- update and glad to be back!

Hello- I haven't been on these formums in months, I really miss being here and receiving the support and insights of so many amazing women! I am still remaining behavior free and, actually, I don't even know how many months it's been because I quit keeping track for the time I was off of this forum. It's got to be at least 10 months and perhaps longer since I've restricted and that is just a miracle really. I have been very involved in NarAnon 12-step meetings for my unhealthy pattern of enabling my addict boyfriend, and I've learned so much about setting necessary boundaries and speaking up for myself assertively, rather than passively agreeing to things that are not in my best interest. My boyfriend seems to be catching on to my new limits with him, and has quit manipulating my guilt to try and reverse the progress I have made, which is nice but it wasn't an easy ride arriving at this place. As some here may remember, I live with my parents as they have been helping me get back on my feet for several years following my own downfall under heroin addiction and restrictive eating. I am so grateful to them for their help in my return to health, but presently living with them is causing me the most stress in my life, and our difficulties communicating trigger me more than anything else at this time. My mother is convinced that I have relapsed since living here, even though every time she asks me to drug test I am negative, because she doesn't understand what causes me to suffer random. physical pain throughout my entire body, lasting up to 10 hours, and undiagnosable as of yet by specialists, so she assumes it must be somehow related to a drug detox. She is convinced and cannot be told otherwise, so constantly grills me about my whereabouts, questions everything I do from taking an aspirin to going in to work early, or coming home 15 minutes late, to name a few. I cannot adequately describe the tension between us and have actively been looking for a rental in my income range to possibly move out, even though the ofiginal plan was to stay here until I completed the 3 courses I need for my Master's Degree. I struggle with terror when I endure an episode of the physical pain, because it is immobilizing and unbearable, and now on top of that, I have to listen to my parent's anger as I go through the pain, and accusations of having relapsed on heroin. There is no empathy or sympathy at all, which has me now thinking if, and when, I am hit with more pain, I should leave and park someplace secluded in the mountains to get through it alone in my car and not cause anyone around me frustration. The first reaction I am tempted to have when involved in conflict with my parents of any sort, is to restrict my next meal. It is so engrained in me to stop eating when my parents are at odds with me, in part because it is what I did as a teenager, and also a sure way to really get back at my parents as they hate it when I don't eat. So I am back on here again feeling extremely triggered to restrict, and almost justified in doing so at this point. Although I have not acted out on my urges as of yet, I need to tell on myself so it's out of my mind. It's simply not safe for such information to remain hidden for too long in my mind without processing it through and receiving the feedback of others, who recognize the dangerous line I walk in my early recovery when I keep my urges and triggers a secret. So here I am, back again, and so grateful for this place to come to where there are people who understand a trigger and urges, and can offer insights as to what has helped them in the past. Thanks:)

iwanttolive
S.boewer

HI!!! Welcome back. I have been concerned for you. I am really glad to see you here again. I am sorry your parents are so not helpful, and for the pain you are experiencing. You just keep posting and getting back into fellowship with all of us. Will check in tomorrow.

iwanttolive and I am

lovetowrite81
S.Boewer

Hi S.Boewer-

It's so good to hear from you! Welcome back to the forums!! It's amazing to hear about the progress you have made in your relationship with your boyfriend (go you for setting boundaries- I know it's not easy!) and in maintaining recovery for so many months. I'm sorry about the pain you are experiencing and that things have been so tense with your parents- definitely sounds like a rough environment to be in. I can understand how that would be triggering to restrict and am proud of you for posting here instead of letting it dwell in your mind. I think just identifying the feelings and knowing that you don't have to act on them and can let it pass, like you have done the past almost year-- you have been putting in the work and doing such difficult things. So proud of you! Is there a next step in terms of figuring out the cause of the pain you're experiencing? I hope that you continue keeping us updated- we have missed you!!

alwaysthinking
Hi!!!!

Yay!! Welcome back! Good for you for all your progress. Wish i could post more and i don't have time right now.

tryingtobebrave
Hi!

It’s good to hear from you!!
I relate to so much of what you posted about. I too have debilitation pain- a doctor from the Mayo Clinic diagnosed me with myofascial pain syndrome (widespread)- but he left and my new pain management doc said it’s not a real diagnosis, along with needing jaw surgery for facial pain. I too, live with my parents, and they also don’t understand it at all. I’m also a recovering opioid addict. Because of this- and a long medical and mental health history- my mom seems to think I either make up the pain or somehow have brought it on myself with “past behaviors” (ED and drugs). It sometimes makes me want to restrict, too. It’s so stressful to live in an environment like that when you’re going through horrible pain. I’m so sorry your going through this. For what it’s worth, I think you’re incredibly strong to maintain your recovery through all of this- and it gives me hope for myself too.

s.boewer
Wow- Thanks so much everyone:)

Wow- I am just now getting a chance to check my post and I am overwhelmed by the many thoughtful responses. It feels so comforting to be welcomed back by everyone and to know I haven't been forgotten while I was away, so thank you all so much. Today was another triggering day, as I came home from a long day of work and when I went into my bedroom to change, it was obvious that my Mom had gone through my belongings because several items were moved around and drawers left not quite shut right. I haven't brought this up to my Mom yet, but really the lack of privacy is unbearable, and I know that she is hoping to find hidden drugs or perhaps read an old journal I might have absent mindedly left out with letters to/from my boyfriend. I have to add a note, that it was helpful receiving feedbck from tryingtobebrave, who knows first-hand about restricting, mysterious debilitating pain,opioid addiction, and living with parents who cannot get past the addiction or believe the truth about the pain. I can't believe someone out there actually gets my situation so precisely, and it is a huge relief just being understood at that level, really. Once you become the identified "problem" in the family, especially as a drug addict, it is almost impossible to ever be acknowledged as anything other than what is implied through that label. So I am dealing with the reality of always being the "problem", and all I can do is avoid taking things personally, and continue to do the right things for the many recovery roads I am on. It is often so triggering in so many ways, but if I remind myself that my parents are really just afraid because my addiction traumatized them, as it did me also for many months, and they do not want me to go back down that way again. Right now my Mom and I are not communicating effectively, both of us are reacting rather than responding to the other's concerns, so I am not going to pursue the topic anytime in the near future, but I will practice forgiveness and patience until I feel like I can make myself heard without appearing insensitive at the same time somehow. I am not sure if this is even making sense because I'm so tired I keep dozing off as I write! I caught myself starting a sentence about a dream I fell into briefly actually, lol, so I think it's past time to say good night:) Thanks again for the supportive feedback and great insights:)