National Eating Disorders Association

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wheredyougobern...
lies

I have been in treatment for over a year and a half now, started in PHP and have been struggling in outpatient for about a year. I am still trying to weight restore (which is strange to type out because "trying" seems like the wrong word since part of me still doesn't want to be doing this at all) and have a lot of ED thoughts constantly throughout the day.
But- I feel like finally in the last few months I have been doing so much better. My weight has slowly been moving in the right direction and I am open to so much more food wise and emotion wise. However, there is one big lie i've harped on and I know ED lives off of lies. A long time ago I thought my period had come back (it had been gone for a year or so) but I quickly realized that wasn't the case, but I knew it was a "good" thing so I didn't admit it wasn't true, and to make things worse I've kept up the rouse that I've had a regular cycle for a few months.
I feel so torn because I know this is in no way a good thing to be doing but at the same time, I feel like Im doing so well in other areas that my ED is convincing me to keep up this lie. I know what I SHOULD do, which is be honest, but I don't know how to get myself to do it.

_admin_moderator
Welcome!

Hi, thank you for posting! Please take a look at our community guidelines here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines. We wanted to post up some signs and symptoms to look out for, just for precaution. The following are just some of the signs of a serious problem that demands immediate medical attention:• accidentally or deliberately caused themselves a physical injury• become suicidal• confused thinking and is not making any sense• delusions (false beliefs) or hallucinations (experiencing things that aren’t there)• disoriented; doesn’t know what day it is, where they are or who they are• vomiting several times a day or has uncontrollable vomiting or diarrhea• experiencing dizziness or fainting spells• too weak to walk or collapses• painful muscle spasms• complaining of chest pain or having trouble breathing• blood in their bowel movements, urine or vomit• a body mass index (BMI) of less than 16• an irregular heartbeat, and fast heartbeat, or very low heart beat (less than 50 beats per minute)• cold or clammy skin indicating a low body temperature or has a body temperature of less than 35 degrees Celsius/95 degrees FahrenheitOr any other serious medical concernsSeek medical help soon on an outpatient basis if you:• have significant heartburn and/or a burning sensation after eating• have other gastrointestinal concerns• have high blood pressure• struggle with significant joint or muscle pain• have difficulty sleeping (falling and/or remaining asleep)• struggle with fatigue, sudden weight gain, and/or hair loss• have frequent urination or unquenchable thirst• have gained and lost significant weight repeatedly• have gained significant weight in a short period of time• struggle with chronic diarrhea or constipationIf you’re looking for resources, please feel free to contact the Helpline at (800) 931-2237. The Helpline is open Mondays-Thursdays 9AM-9PM EST and Fridays 9AM-5PM EST. During these hours you can chat with us also by clicking the chat now option at the top right hand corner!  Please continue posting!  

iwanttolive
wheredoyougobern...

Hi. I want to welcome you to the forum. I am proud of all the work you are putting into your recovery, but there is the issue of the lie that you haven't come clean with. It sounds to me that it is really bothering you. For me, honesty has been the bedrock of my recovery. Talking about really difficult things, and admitting to using behaviors that I know could put me in another hospital. I am almost too honest sometimes.. I encourage you to at least start off by writing a letter, first to yourself, and then maybe to your team. It is really important that they know this. For your health but also for your mental health as I am sure living with this lie has got to be bothering you. Perhaps you can explain to them why it was so difficult to tell them and that you really do want to be honest with them. I am glad you posted and hope to see you around again. I hope some of what I said was helpful and that you have the strength to tell them what is going on. Best to you.

iwanttolive