National Eating Disorders Association

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CASACERA
Can't wait to eat in the AM

Trying the best I can not to be too specific. I love and can't wait for my 1st meal of the day. Healthy and wonderful AND hold on to your horses, the same every morning. AND still it's a 10 in my food book. I've got numerous health issues, quite normal when you get to be my age. It's like an old car running down. Getting use to and accepting losses. Struggling since my (food devil) I call it moved into my psyche early on and I proceeded to find every sensible and sane way to manage this affliction. For the most part I have. Including searching out and finding this forum. Excuse any repetition but probably the most helpful thing was getting rid of any guilt or shame. "I never chose food, introduced to me as a baby". And in my day everyone belonged to the"Clean the Plate Club" WWII.
Puberty confusion with no answers or discussion at that very puritanical time. Food was mother and mother wasn't there to answer questions.(sweet lady but, even when she was there, changed the subject). Father hid behind the newspaper and scowled at any of these normal growing up issues. Alone after school at home, food was the soother. Within 2 weeks my subconscious had found it's relief, no matter what the cost! At productive, passionate and busy times ah! such relief. (food devil naps but then I eat and he/she wakes up!) Even though I share much with other food addicts as I want to stay in a comfortable healthy body, got my own DNA, fingerprints and life history, and as Irene Cara sang in "Fame" -"Out There On My Own". So it's a huge challenge every day. Boy, if you got this far, thanks for reading this.

Alexo_eats
Breakie

I like breakfast too. I find it the least stressful meal for me. My body cues are easier to listen to when I first get up.

alwaysthinking
Me too

Easier for me, too.

alwaysthinking
Me too

Easier for me, too. Seems like my body hasn't caught up with my brain or vice a versa by the morning and I'm not able to have my brain saying all the negative things to myself in the morning about why I shouldn't eat or should eat or all the other shoulds that get me in trouble. So I understand. And I get from where you're coming Casacera, because even though I'm not from the World War II era, my mother was and I totally understand the you don't talk about it stuff. Mine's a different situation but I know what it's like to be told you don't talk about it and it's not fun and then you're just basically told to shove it down with food because that's the only way to deal with it. And then that becomes the enemy because you don't like shoving it down no matter what it happens to be whether it's food or the issue that you're having to hide. So thanks for bringing this to light and I hope you're doing well.

CASACERA
Can't wait to eat in the AM

Thanks so much Metoo! Breakfast perfect. yay! lunch perfect YAY!. Since I get heartburn/reflux stuff, can't lay down for a few hours after eating although I'm tired. Doin' stuff yes and then a rest before it's cooler and I can take a good walk outside. Sooo this is the BIG time. Not to eat anything but dinner and not too early or the evening will loom large. This is even with hubby here and understanding. So one "afternoon" at a time and much consciousness to end dinner when I know I should. AND THEN the real BIGGY, the evening. What a job! Good luck to you, me and all!

CASACERA
Now, right now..the tough time!

Resting as planned, watching Downton Abbey video and the GNAWING BEGINS. almost a hollow, aching, emptiness. Hubby went to the store. Pretty humid today, but my bedroom comfortably cool. Birds chirping outside. NO MATTER, my internal food devil pushes me to eat. Drinking water. But knew I had to come here and say what's going on...to ease the power of my addiction. Breathing as I type. I just want to rest and have my appetite leave me alone. Serenity prayer. Very good to be able to write about this. To say what this painful struggle is going on inside me. Sometimes I hear people say they hate themselves when they go through this and fall into a food pit. I hate the addiction but I have self-compassion for a condition and a suffering I never chose.

iwanttolive
CASACERA

Hi. I am sorry the cravings are so strong. I am glad that you are able to have compassion for yourself and care for yourself. Just keep doing what your are, engaging here, and the other places you do, and to know you are not alone. For me, I have been able to get to the place where I am able to pray, reach out if needed and am able to ask myself, Am I hungry? If the answer is no, I ask myself what would a second or third trip to the kitchen do and then I say with God's help, NO. I am not going to eat as I know the issue is unrelated to food but emotions. I suffered for thirty years with various forms of eating disorders and twenty seven hospitalizations lasting from two weeks to one year. And everywhere in between. I also attended my fair share of IOP's and PHP's and half way houses. So when I say I am now able to say no, it didn't happen over night and my faith in Jesus has been a tremendous help. So, I lend you my support and just take it one day at a time. As you said, you never going to give up. That is great!!!!!

iwanttolive and I am

CASACERA
dinner and later...

Made it through, exhausting. Thank you Iwanttolive. Now it's just the rest of the evening and a planned snack close to bedtime if I feel I want it. Nice to know I've given myself the option.
That said if I feel the push, the pressure to go for food before, than I hope I have the ability to come back and say it here, in this place.

CASACERA
nearing bedtime

OMG time for a planned snack. You'd think I won the lottery. But soooo close to making it through this day. Staying with my plan. So grateful I found this place and all the folks that post.

alwaysthinking
How'd it go?

So, how did the evening snack go? And how is breakfast this morning? How can we support you today?

CASACERA
"So, how did the evening snack go?":

Oh, "alwaysthinkingking". Evening snack perfect time and healthy to boot. Made it through yesterday. YAY! Haven't been able to put 2 days together for quite a while, but with my new found support like yourself I have hope now. Cautiously optimistic,(very). Breakfast fine. Because of the mid-day heat knew I had to walk early. Hmmm noticed my mind was on that instead of focusing on my wonderful daily breakfast. So important for me to look at and savor what I eat. Have to enjoy the full experience to be satisfied. AND eat more slowly. (I mentioned earlier I eat with a baby spoon, which helps). It's 9:30 or so here, ate at 6:30, stomach already growling. But I'm a morning person, energy wise and busy, should be o.k. till a noon lunch. No false confidence here, can be dangerous and my food devil senses an opening. Thank you for your questions and support.

alwaysthinking
Yay

Yay!! Proud of you. Keep it up.

CASACERA
lunch at noon ended

That part of it was good. And, it was "allowed", part of my healthy eating plan. But feeling too full, uncomfortable. Could have done with half the amount. What are my fears? Won't get enough?Gonna have some of it taken away? Made a point of taking my time preparing it. That felt good.
I did focus more on the food, but still in a rush. Eating more slowly cannot be punitive, like being punished. Have to tell myself it's still all going to be there for me without shoveling it down. Have to say to myself. "It's o.k. no one is going to take it from you." So hard to judge when "full" is. Deep breath. Nothing till dinner 6:00 or later. Nothing but water which I need plenty of till then. Whew...ain't easy.

CASACERA
made it to 6:00 pm

Would like to wait till I feel physically hungry. Lotsa luck. Can drag out dinner prep. so I eat closer to 7. Better if I can. 3 things: Focus on the food as I'm eating so that I have had the satisfying experience that I want. Slower. When it's over IT'S OVER, ENDED. Watch a good film. Plan a snack before bedtime. Bless this forum.