National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Lost and alone

Needing to vent about my mother. She's in a nursing home now with dementia and I recognize that she'll never be the mother that I've always needed. It's just very tedious that she still expects me to be the mother that she always needed. I can't be this for her. I was the mother my entire life. From the time I was four I've been the little adult. I was the one who always took care of everybody. I fixed all the meals once I learned how to cook. I did all the cleaning. I basically did everything around the house except for the bills. I was my mom's mother , nurse, therapist, doctor, teacher, Mentor, Etc. I was my parents slave bottom line and I did it all willingly because I love them. It's just now I really really really need a mommy. I need someone to take care of me because I'm hurting so badly and having a very difficult time taking care of myself. I need someone who can just let me heal and do the things that are necessary around my apartment. I became so accustomed to being able to do everything and still function and yet be completely dead inside. And now that I'm feeling and aware of everything, it's practically impossible to do anything anymore. It's such a chore to be able to do normal everyday household stuff that I used to do with such ease. I used to be able to do all of that stuff and full-time Ministry and a regular exercise regime with no problem whatsoever. But now that I'm aware of the trauma it's like my body is not allowing me to do anything anymore. It's so hard to have the energy and to cook , to clean, to do the Ministry , to organize my schedule , to have any balance whatsoever. I'm just feeling very lost and alone right now. I know I'm not truly alone because I have the support of my friends in the congregation. I have the support of the people on this site. I've always had the support of Jehovah God and Jesus and all the Angels who are rooting for me. I just need a mommy. I never truly had one and I never knew what it's like to have one or dad for that matter. I've always had to be the parent the adult the caretaker. I need someone to take care of me for once. I think that may be one reason why I've needed the hospital so often. When I'm in the hospital I have somebody else making all the decisions, taking care of me, fixing the food, cleaning, just letting me heal which is what I need to be doing. I'm in such a mess right now and I'm hurting so badly and feeling guilty because there's so much I need to do. I have a responsibility to teach people about the Bible and God and I can barely get myself out of bed anymore. I feel awful about being irresponsible even though I know logically it's because I'm sick and need help. I can't help others when my glass is completely empty and has a hole in both ends. I am so depleted and I'm trying to do too much as usual and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm hurting so badly and need help desperately. On a positive note, at least I've eaten properly both yesterday and today so far and have not used any behaviors that are disordered. Thanks for letting me rant and Rave and carry on And if you read this much I really appreciate it

Savedbygrace
I'm so sorry

About all you've had to go through, survive; for all you're going through. It's extremely exhausting and you deserve to be cared for. I think it's time to let others help you and not to try to help others at this point. It sounds like you're stressed from spreading yourself too thin. What are some things you can do to rest? Now is the time to focus on you and your needs.

alwaysthinking
I live by myself. So it's

I live by myself. So it's kind of difficult not to have to do these things for myself. That's why I decided to do my own PHP what does proving to be more difficult this time it was last year. I just don't have the drive or energy for it. My eating disorder therapist says be gentle with myself and I'm trying to be. If I have a slip-up I just say oh well I'll do better another time. Doesn't always get into my brain though. Thanks for your support

julesthefox
I completely understand and

I completely understand and relate to this feeling of utter exhaustion. My heart hurts for you. I, too, as a child always felt alone. I was so sad all the time, but I thought that’s how everyone felt. I felt so detached from the world. I took it upon myself to make sure everyone was always as happy as I could make them. I sacrificed everything I could because I just didn’t want anyone to feel as lonely as me... I understand those feelings of responsibility. And I’m so sorry you never had the mother you needed.
I know it’s hard. But you have the opportunity to create for yourself a new story. You know how to take care of others. Allow that compassion to extend to yourself. You live alone, but let yourself be the mother you’ve always needed. Treat yourself with the kindness and care you’ve always given to others. Nurture yourself. Allow yourself to heal. I know it feels so hard on your own, but know you are never alone. And you are so loved. You are doing amazing. Look at all you’ve done! You’ve started working on your own PHP program when healthcare workers have let you down. You are advocating for yourself and your wellbeing, creating healthy boundaries, and allowing yourself to rest. You are fighting the war against the ED. You are a warrior. And you are so strong. Know that you deserve your own care and kindness too.
Sending love,
Julesthefox

Savedbygrace
You're welcome

I understand how hard it is not to beat yourself up for slip ups. You are brave and strong doing this on your own. You may not feel it, but it takes a lot of strength to deal with this without friends or family support. Could you reach out to anyone from church for support?

alwaysthinking
They already do support me in

They already do support me in so many ways. It's too much to ask for help with mundane things like errands and chores when they have their own families for whom to care. I'll survive. I have Jehovah helping. That's more than enough. Thx.

Savedbygrace
You're very welcome

If you need help, you need help.

alwaysthinking
Update

Called one of my newer friends in the congregation this evening when I was in crisis and she was wonderful. I have a feeling she's going to do her best to keep up with me for awhile while I'm going through these problems I calling me and checking up on me. She just called me a few minutes ago to see how I was doing. It's great to have people who really care

alwaysthinking
Further update

Tried to go to sleep and had a flashback and now I'm in a rotten mood and rotten place and eating when I really shouldn't be. Tried to do things to ground myself and had another flashback instead. My therapist doesn't want me to use food to ground myself and sometimes it's the only thing that works. Hope to go to bed soon and actually sleep. I'm really sick of flashbacks.