National Eating Disorders Association

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songbird1206
Scared/nervous

Ive recently started coming to terms with the fact that I (might) have an eating disorder. Ive been actively engaging in behaviors and my therapist wants me to start seeing an ED therapist.

Im struggling because I know what im doing isnt healthy or safe but im hesitant to reach out for a couple reasons:
1) I'm starting at a higher BMI and dont necessarily feel like I've "earned" recovery yet. Ive always floated between binge, anorexic, and bulimic tendencies on and off since i was young but it's just starting to stick.
Which brings me to the next one....
2) I feel like a failure if i stop now because i dont have anything to show for it
3) if i quit it means i dont really have an ED...like i ws faking it
4) I'm scared my new therapist will FORCE me to recover

At the same time, i feel like an ED therapist will understand me better and maybe help me be okay. Idk. Im nervous. Any advice? What have other people's experiences been when seeking treatment?

iwanttolive
songbird1206

Hi. I am sorry your post sat for a while. How are you doing? Did you change therapists? Often we feel that we aren't "sick" enough. That is a common trait for those suffering with eating disorders. I a sorry you are struggling. Working towards recovery is not failing at the eating disorder. It means you are working to recover and get your life back. I fought recovery for thirty plus years and now am in recovery and so happy I chose to recover. I got a lot of support and help, but the choice was ultimately mine. I needed to say yes to recovery. But that didn't mean I never had an eating disorder because I am now free from them. BMI means nothing really. Even food and weight are not a measure of how much one is suffering even though most people don't realize this. The mental anguish, the pain and suffering, the amount of time and energy spent worrying about food and how to get it or avoid it. The reasons we turn to behaviors and hide behind the disorder. The pain, the abuse, the bullying, the not feeling safe, whatever the reason is, there is a reason and that is what has to be dealt with. Then the food and weight and worries about what one weighs becomes less of a focus. I understand to fear of forced recovery. But no one can really force anyone to recover. They may be able to force weight gain, but no one can force a mind set change. One may try to help stop behaviors but that too would only be temporary. The ultimate challenge is for you to want to get better. One can be any weight and be very ill. Weight is not a determining factor in how sick a person is. If one is seriously unstable due to malnutrition, that is a concern and medical intervention is necessary. But someone who is of average or above average weight might be in just as much a state of malnutrition as one who is underweight. I hope you get what I am trying to say. If you are struggling with thoughts that are troubling, and causing a disruption in your life, if food and the fear of food is causing you to not function, you really need help. No matter what your BMI is. You don't need to "earn" or prove you are sick. That may ultimately cause permanent damage or serious health consequences. Eating disorders are serious and life threatening. So I urge you to take advantage of the help being offered. Believe me, I understand all that you have written. I have been there and stayed there for way too many years. Please don't do what I did. Get help figuring out why you are struggling with eating disorder behaviors and thought patterns and work on getting better. Life without the eating disorder is so much better.

I hope this helps you some and please post again as I think it just was overseen and now that I responded hopefully others will as well. Take care,

iwanttolive and I am