National Eating Disorders Association

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gnatul8r
Chapter 1. The Dealbreaker.

Hello Everyone. As a way of introducing myself, let me start with what happened today.

He did not want to continue the relationship. He could not invest himself fully, because my attitude towards my eating-disordered mind would trigger negative patterns of his own. He knew all the signs. Even I had forgotten my own ticks, that I hadn't noticed him noticing. These were possibly projected from a previous relationship, a crucial one. They had met at a clinic. It lasted two years, ending in her relapse.

In his own words, he told me, "I do not want to repeat that.' I tried to tell him that this was not that. That i was not dependant. That I could not be triggered, that I was managing. He said it was about his own cycles of paranoia and resentment, that he did not want this as part of his life. The Dealbreaker.

I expressed that I feel like an idiot. That i haven't been given a chance to respond. That it was unfair to doom one relationship on the basis of another. That is was unfair to read my 'weirdsies' of using certain behaviors as warning signs, when to me, these are coping mechanisms that limit panic. He said what bothered him was my casual, offhand manner of talking about my relationship with food and disorder. I think he meant my tolerance and normalisation of it. I said, What am i supposed to do? Lay down and cry? It is how i convey something without conveying its full gravity. It's something I have to deal with daily, so i make fun of it, to an extent.

He was serious and investigative. Precisely what I love, and precisely the quality that leads to the observation of the minutia of my destructive habits.

I am realising that these coping mechanisms are not enough. I never stopped purging. There were phases, but that after ten years of practice, this became a normal part of my existence, a part that I have to hide, a part that -I know without knowing- is alienating.

I wrote a letter to him. Saying that he has had a profound effect on my direction. I never considered active recovery before. What I am saying, is that i am embarking on a version of myself that would not have begun to manifest if all this hadn't been discussed.

I loved that man.

So this is it. This is the part where I start to honestly chronicle my weaknesses, to actively assess and change my mental disposition, my habits, my fossils, my denial. Such honesty is new to me. I need your help. The alternative is lethal to love.

_admin_moderator
Hi gnatul8er, and welcome to

Hi gnatul8er, and welcome to the forums! We're glad you found us. This is to inform you that your post has been edited slightly to remove the mention of specific behaviors that may be triggering to other users. You can find our full community guidelines here:  https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines Thank you, and please continue posting!