National Eating Disorders Association

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chunkymonkey68
Severe Toe Pain and Really Hating It Controlling my Exercise Routine

Plus I am around the apartment more until this heals and feeling more tempted to open the fridge and eat food out of boredom and NOT just because I feel hungry.

I had been doing so well. I was walking 4x per week after work, my weight was down and felt Totally in Control in spite of having binged a few times as well. I was binging out of feeling tired from working my 2 jobs, and the exercise was the way I forgive my self for this bad habit...

Now i feel powerless and cant go for de-stressing walks until the pain in my toe subsides.

I also cut into my finger as I was planning to eat my Little Cutey orange the other morning.

They are supposed to be easy to just unpeel the skin of their oranges, it is like an orange well know for this primary benefit in eating them.

I have low blood sugar in the morning and take meds at night so in the morning i appreciate Lil Cutey Oranges as they are Usually easy to peel and eat.

Well, I had to use a steak knife to cut the orange. I somehow disassociated for a few seconds and next thing I know I was stopping myself from cutting into my index finger which was supposed to be holding the orange from slipping as i cut it.

So I was bleeding and now am recovering from a cut usually not ever possible when eating lil Cutey oranges. I think someone in the factory thought they would be wise jerks and put the wrong oranges into the lil Cutey bags as the bag said it was them but these all have skin which requires a knife to open and eat.

So there now I feel more intimidated in eating healthy food in the morning. Plus my weight is up and i am feeling extra anxious over this factor too.

iwanttolive
chunkeymonkey68

Hi. I am sorry you hurt your toe. I know others have asked you this question so I will not repeat too much of it. You are on the forum a lot talking about dieting, exercising, not being able to exercise, your periods, which you very well may be in peri menopause at your age and may have nothing to do with your eating. You are always talking about behaviors and things that I really don't know how to respond to. You have never really come out and said if you are working on recovery. Or if you are fearful of recovery. What recovery means to you. It makes it difficult to know how to respond to your posts as I do not know what you are asking for. In what ways you use the support given? This is not bash chunkeymonkey but a real honest question of how we can best support you. Where you are at in terms of wanting recovery. What your fears may be around recovering. If you spoke more about what may be very difficult to talk about, but your emotions, your feelings, instead of fitting into a pair of jeans, or not being able to exercise, or cutting your finger. I understand that these things are upsetting to you, but in light of the eating disorder, where do these things fit in? Again, what do you need from this community? How can we help you? Are you stuck? Do you want help getting unstuck? These are just some questions for you to ponder and maybe let us know, as I do know people care about you. It just is sometimes difficult to respond to some of your posts because for me, I just don't know what to say. This is a supportive community and we want to be there for others but only you can change you. You have to want to change. If you need help, let us know. For now,

iwanttolive

chunkymonkey68
I'm Sorry, for me it feels Like it's ALL Related

This is my issue, and I am not in any way a +MIA fan either. I am a mature female and happen to experience my body differently than you do.

My issues are not the same and I hear and see what content is written here and try to support others as well. I don't dwell on 1 issue ALL the time as my justifying reason for having body/food related issues either.

I think some of these things need further exploring as it just seems like a form of purging ritually of psychic content that blocks 1 from getting on w/ issues w/in their self which would help them to discover why they allowed or gave in to such treatment in the 1st place.

The ritual issue is like a mental wall of protection. I tend to get tired of reading that type of material. To me, that material also needs a different type of web site for survivors of such intimate details or subject matter.

I am a female and whether I experience Roller Coaster Weigh-Ins followed by ecstasy or feelings of misery, pms, skipped periods, or pre-menopause. It is just a real part of me that seems to be affected by the way I overeat, obsess over what I eat on other + ED days, or don't eat, or use free time to exercise or feel pathetic and lazy if I dont use my free time wisely enough...

I even run myself into exhaustion at times and only then am i able to take a step back and see what is happening to me after a whirlwind of buisyness and Binge/Purge related symptoms which always seem to eventually catch up with me.

I currently am not in therapy, just on a psych med that allows me to have more energy than I would w/o it. It just helps me to feel like a robot that just keeps on going 1 day at a time, for now?

Like a good Sig Other whom I still haven't been able to find, a good therapist who could relate to me and I could open up to with my plethora of issues as they pop up like unwanted advertisements on my HP Notebook, and cause me frustration and misery...Still remains out there ignorant of my Super Sized issues which still remain unsolved and an enigma to me...

chunkymonkey68
Thanks for your insight

I know that you tend to talk a lot about issues w/ your sister, your very close family, school, and your relationship w/ God.

That's not always Eating Disorder material either but I don't probe to see how deep the snow is in your life.

Nor do i judge your content though it seems to also be quite circular on content, and its good to read when you have made progress in your therapy. or even in reaching out to attend college, in spite of your ED challenges.

iwanttolive
Chunkeymonkey68

Hi. I think it would be good if you could see a therapist. I am happy to say I am going into almost nine months of being behavior free. I have to go now in P.T. starting my exercises. Hope you have a nice evening.
cont.

So do you see that some of what you post is a way of avoiding certain painful things you are struggling with? I think that is what you said. But you can only avoid pain for so long before it wears you down. Dealing with it with a therapist can be so helpful, and then the behaviors and obsessions may lessen. I avoided it for so long, but am now able to deal with things in a healthy manner. I know it isn't easy. That is why so many people never want to deal with their pain. I hope one day you will be able to.

How are things going with housing? I know that is a big stressor for you. I appreciate your support and hope that you don't feel judged but know that sometimes when people ask probing questions it isn't meant to be judgmental, but to have you think about what we are asking. Sometimes we all have blind spots and we need help to see them. You are free to post what is on your mind. I think I just sometimes wonder how to best offer support. So, for now, have a good evening. Take care,

iwanttolive

s.boewer
Hi

Hi- I have read many of your posts and followed you as you process things in your life, and it is always interesting. Sometimes I wonder though, as the previous post said, if you are working towards recovery or stuck in the throws of your disorder. It sounds like you also struggle with mental health issues from what you wrote in your last post, which complicates the recovery process from an ED, and I'm sorry you are dealing with so much. I hope you are able to see a therapist and you can overcome the many difficult things you write about. My impression is that you find comfort in being able to vent and let out your feelings by posting on this forum, but perhaps you are not ready to change the behaviors that seem to be causing you so much trouble, like daily weight checks, over-exercising, body image issues or binges to name a few. I say this because I never read that you are using any tools to move beyond those issues, like writing in a journal, counseling, or other self-care techniques. I also don't know how to respond to your posts because it feels like you just want to get things off your mind but continue the ED behaviors. I don't know if you really want to hear any suggestions or stories of what helped others to recover because you don't talk about recovery at all. Like I said, it seems like a place for you to process what is on your mind even if it is not directly related to your ED. I think if it helps you to write on this forum then that is great, and I'm happy it helps you in that way. For what it's worth, don't be so hard on yourself about not exercising due to your painful toe, because you will again be able to exercise. The toe pain is temporary and your body will not change if you can't exercise for a week or more. I practice acceptance in my life daily and it helps me be at peace with whatever I am faced with. Even the hard things are tolerable if I have acceptance and don't waste energy fighting against the hurdles in life. Gratitude is another daily ritual I practice, which allows the positive things to outnumber the negative things. Finally, I practice positive self-talk everyday to stop the flow of negativity that my mind is so full of from years of self-criticism. I didn't really understand the last post you wrote, other than the fact that you rake psych meds (as I do) and struggle with mental illness on top of your ED (hopefully I got that right). I hope you feel better soon and that you will write something that explains the best way we can support you if that is what you even want. I will continue to check out your posts because I'm curious about what you might say and I hope I can respond in a way that is helpful in the future.

karenc
I think

You should cut yourself some slack. Life happens sometimes and our routine is thrown out of whack. Just go with it. A couple of pounds isn't everything. It'll fall off when you get back to walking. Also stay safe while walking, take someone with you.

X's

chunkymonkey68
Thanks

I am back to walking whenever have time between my 2 jobs. Must file taxes next week, that's my current BIG stressor.

The scale does reflect the week w/o much walking though. That does make me feel sad.

I would like to purchase a newer car soon. I am hoping that I will have money from my tax return and from my leftover money that was put aside for taxes this year.

This will be saved and used for part of my used car purchase. That is 1 thing I am looking forward to.

Thanks for responding and take care of yourself too.

chunkymonkey68
How are you doing?

Just thought I would check in with you and see how it's going? In CA we are having very good weather and I'm on my way to my retail job. Take care and enjoy your day.

s.boewer
Hi

Hi- I am glad that you are back on your feet and walking again. That was quick! I wouldn't stress too much over the number on a scale because it doesn't reflect anything about you that truly matters. Take care:)

EnnaMe
Had to learn a little IS better than nothing

Trying to reach a goal and feeling that every turn there is an obstical, is disheartning.
I learned that one extra stretch does my body good.
I had to look at the 'picture' at a different angle. If I can't do it the traditional way, I look at how I can make it work for me. Others will lol that I think a stretch vs a workout is an accomplishment but it has kept me keeping up the fight.

_admin_moderator
Hi Enna me, Your post has

Hi Enna me, Your post has been edited slightly to remove the mention of specific foods/amounts. You can view our full community guidelines here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines Thanks and please continue posting! 

chunkymonkey68
Got my annual tax filing out of my way. Yay..

I'm also trying to walk more and am also up to working Mon through Fri now. We got a raise where I work and that is quite a motivating factor for me to get up daily and get myself to work.

I had to pay for earning too much while had Health Ins. During the summer they reduced my monthly fee and then when I filed taxes the monthly payment was averaged out and broker said I had earned too much for the option that I had for coverage.

The weird thing is that i had medical and so I wasn't supposed to even be accepted if cover by Medical.

I applied because I was confused and had a panic attack about Not having any Health Insurance and the fact that new CA tax law states we will have a penalty fee if no proof of health ins at tax filing time.

I owed $1200 for the Health Insurance Penalty Fee.....?

That too much for a broken girl like me to have to pay annually.

I earned a couple thousand more this year and my HR already takes out enough withholding plus $50 extra monthly. This is 1st year ever had to pay over $20. Now I'm going to worry more every year b4 taxes need to be filed.

I am going to see if HR can change my 2 to a 1 and therefore perhaps pay less tax annually? Tax broker said it would be a good idea?

s.boewer
I relate

Hi- I relate to the pnaic around not having healthcare, as I currently make too much to stay covered, but they are as of yet unaware of this detail. I see a therapist regularly, a psychiatrist monthly, and need ongoing treatment with my primary care physician for a recent medical problem, so if I get cut off, I will be devistated. I can't afford private insurance at my current income level, so I am pretty much terrified that I will soon be without a way to receive the care I need, or the many medications I take daily. I don't know how they check up on people, but I seem to remember getting a form to fill out every so often to report income changes to stay current. Or maybe when I file taxes my information will get passed on and they will discontinue my coverage that way. I just don't know what I will do, so I can empathize with your post a lot. I am not ready to abruptly stop my psych meds or stop counseling, pretty terrifying actually. But on a good note, I am still behavior free and enjoying a healthy relationship with food daily. At least I have my sanity in tact, which I will need to rely on once I lose my insurance. Thanks for your post, I hope you figure out your situation soon. Take care:)

sportygirl
Hi chunkymonkey68

I might be a little blunt in saying this, and I hope it will help you instead of letting you down. But if I read your posts, and I love doing this, What I read is actually that you are soooo busy that you are able to ignore the real pain, the real frustration. I mean, those things you are going through are frustrating and stressful and everything.

but what I mean is: are you getting rest? And then I don't mean enough sleep or anything. But are you getting pease of mind somewhere during your day / week? I think you are going from one to another without even wondering how YOU are doing. The real you, not the 'robot' you.

Sorry to say this in a blunt way and hope I'm not offending you in any way, but maybe something to consider.

X

chunkymonkey68
Thanks for the insight

That's true, and it really is exhausting to work 2 jobs. However, I am trying to save up money so I am able to purchase a decent used car someday.

When I was living in a house b4 it wasn't as bad. But now worry over small things like monthly rent, accounting, housekeeping duties in my 1 bedroom apartment, shopping when I time to take a breath...It is not easy.

I was hoping to hire a maid/ethnic cook when i lived at home. Now am feeling more frenzied over bills, and working 2 jobs, and the politics of walking on eggshells too, which I can't get into, but is a huge stressor that violates me being able to be completely myself from feeling censored at my sub teaching job, and shadowed at retail job by extra employee instead of paying me a decent cashier wage of at least $15.00 hr like San Francisco, CA employees earn.

I thought 2019 was the year in the USA that we all were bumped up to $15 hr as the New Minimum Wage.

If it's NOT then President Trump needs to create and sign a New Bill to cover all of us Munchkins who all need a raise to equal the New cost of living.

A raise is needed Especially here in California, the USA----where it's all like Hollywood and the stars need to afford to buy clothes to act in. "All my world is 1 big stage." I am a mere character in the 1 act play of my Shakesperean life.

Thatz ALL Folkz...