National Eating Disorders Association

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BluKitten
My 3-4 year story

My eating disorder story began in middle school. I was in 7th grade when I first stopped eating meals, which led to loss of weight. I was, and am still, too lazy to pack lunches for the following days. Yes, it is an excuse, but I am that lazy. My middleschool didnt provide lunch so we'd have to pack to eat but they sometimes had snacks for kids who forgot. I would hurridly grab a plastic bag and throw certain kinds of food and eat that for lunch. Because i am a loner i sat mostly alone but sometimes i was able to sit with the grade below, and they noticed how small my packed lunch was and would ask why but id always reply 'I didnt have time' or 'I forgot' and usually 'Im not hungry', even though my stomach would be growling, unheard by the noise of the lunchroom.
I was able to rid myself of the habit of not eating a certain meal until the end of seventh grade but it came back worse in eigth grade. I would rarely bring anything to school at that point to eat. Before, in 7th grade, I only skipped a certain meal for about a certain amount of time during the middle of the school year.
Eigth grade came and left, with me losing weight in short random amounts, and I had begun to get dizzy sometimes when i engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms, which didnt happen daily at that point at least.
That summer leading to ninth grade I would usually engage in certain unhealthy coping mechanisms. But because I wasnt up and moving a lot during the summer I hadnt noticed how i had begun to get dizzier and dizzier when I would get up.
Ninth grade year, my first year of highschool, I blacked out for the first time in math 2. It was the middle of the year and we were taking a test in math, and one moment I was sitting down looking over the test, the next moment the bell rang and sounds and colors flowed back into me. I glanced back down at my test to see it had mysteriously been filled out by someone, surely not me as I hadnt remembered even filling out the first question. During ninth grade year i had stopped eating certain meals during the day. Everyday I would skip them, even on weekends when my family would make meals so that i didnt have to go through the trouble of making stuff. At that point, it was hard for me to make it up the school stairs to the math and science rooms without having to slow down and rest against a wall for a good 15 seconds. I would make it look like I had suddenly remembered something and began searching my bag or that i was tying my shoe and would rest my head on my knee until the fuzziness and pounding and pulsing in my head and the rest of my body would disappear. Because I was engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms, the crowded lunchroom too scary for my anxiety filled self to overcome, I would sit along a wall near the lunch room and work on homework instead. When I would stand to go to my next class, Concert Band, I would always stand up too fast and my vision would go black with my hearing fading out.
Now, a 10th grader, it has reached peak point. I do not eat certain meals throughout the day. I write it off as not having time or being too busy but that didnt pass the attention of my girlfriend. We had met right before the 10th grade school year had started and got together maybe a month after that, and we're now approaching our 5 month anniversary. My beautiful kind girlfriend, she noticed my eating issues. She noticed that i engaged in unhealthy coping mechanisms. She noticed when my weight dropped further and further. She notices, and she is helping. I am trying to get better for her and me, because I am tired of doing this to myself and her, but I believe I need professional help. And I cant get in person therapy, because my parents wouldnt pay for that. Thats a whole other uncovered secret of my life. My parents- they arent the best. Not even close. But basically if I were to tell them I wanted therapy for my Eating Disorder, father would laugh and point and then refuse to pay and mother wouldnt let me because no one is supposed to know Im not her perfect daughter. My girlfriend helps me through all of my issues with parents and eating disorders everyday. She still loves and supports me even though I am now teetering at the edge of underweight. And for that, I am grateful. I am happy she and I were able to meet.
I have other issues but those deal with anxiety and the likes, which do definently have major effects on my eating, but Im not sure if I would be going against community guidelines explaining or describing. All I've wanted for a while was a therapist to just talk to about such issues but I cant have one. And its hurting me but I have to wait until 18 for one.
Other details: Prior to my issue with not eating, I would engaged in other unhealthy coping mechanisms, which made me gain a lot of weight in short periods. This made me feel bad about myself and is that is why i began engaging in other unhealthy coping mechanisms. Now I can only eat small portions or it is too much.
This is my story. Sorry if it seems randomly ordered but I tried my best. School also is a main influencer of my eating, as it stresses me a great amount.
Sorry this is so longg!

_admin_moderator
Post Edited

Hi BluKittenWe are glad to hear that you are finding support here on the NEDA forums. A portion of your post was edited and deleted due to the mention of numbers and specific behaviors that may be triggering to other members of the forum. Our community guidelines are always available to review here: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/community-guidelines. In the event you need further assistance, please do not hesitate to call the NEDA helpline at 1-800-931-2237 (Monday-Thursday 9:00am-9:00pm, Friday 9:00am-5:00pm EST).

_admin_moderator
Concerning Symptoms

Hi BluKitten, We're sorry to hear about what's going on with you. You described some concerning symptoms that you're currently struggling with. We wanted to provide you with an additional list of signs and symptoms of a medical emergency to keep an eye on: A person does not have to be underweight to have an eating disorder or to require emergency medical care for one. Seek medical help immediately if you experience: • accidentally or deliberately causes themselves a physical injury• becomes suicidal• experiences confused thinking and is not making any sense• experiences delusions (false beliefs) or hallucinations (experiencing things that aren’t there)• feels disoriented; doesn’t know what day it is, where they are or who they are• vomits several times a day or has uncontrollable vomiting or diarrhea• experiences dizziness or fainting spells• feels too weak to walk or collapses• experiences painful muscle spasms• complains of chest pain or having trouble breathing• observes blood in their bowel movements, urine or vomit• has a body mass index (BMI) of less than 16• has an irregular heartbeat or very low heart beat (less than 50 beats per minute)• has cold or clammy skin indicating a low body temperature or has a body temperature of less than 35 degrees Celsius/95 degrees Fahrenheit Or for any other serious medical concerns.We highly recommend that you seek medical attention as soon as possible. Another option is 911.

iwanttolive
BluKitten

Hi. Welcome to the forum. I read your post. It is okay to write a lot as you had a lot to say. I am sorry your parents are not there for you. That must hurt. I understand some of what you are saying about feeling faint, and pulling yourself up the stairs and feeling like you are going to black out. I am not there anymore, but I remember those days well. I think it is really important that you get help now. Can you talk with a guidance counsellor at school? Or is there someone you know, an adult, who could talk with your parents, even a teacher, who could let them know who serious this is and that you need help? This is very serious and can be life threatening. You can't wait until you are eighteen. You need help now. I am really sorry you are going through all of this and have no support from your parents. But again, you need help now. I am glad you have a friend, but she can only do so much. I hope you can see the urgency in this matter and that you matter and deserve to get help. Please post and let us know how you are and if you have gotten any help. I am glad you reached out for support. Take care,

iwanttolive

BluKitten
Update

<p>I will no longer be using this site. It upsets me that when I try to share my story it is changed and altered. It makes me feel as if its not actually me telling my story- but another's interpretation of it. I wanted somewhere to share my story and let out- something I've never been able to do. But- I cannot. And I cannot get therapy. You don't understand- my parents simply do not care if I am living or not. They would not pay even if I begged. I have issues talking face to face with people (has to do with a past trauma) and attempted looking for online therapists. But alas there are none I can find because all cost and I cant pay online because Im not at the age to get a job yet and have no credit card. I have nowhere to go. And coincidently- no friends to possibly house with for other issues. I also know no other adults to talk to. And I do not care whether my parents support me or not. Well- I do sometimes but that always is a mistake. I have no other choice but to wait. I've been waiting all of my life- I'll wait some more. And me and my girlfriend are working on my eating together. Its a very slow process but I'm trying my best.

iwanttolive
BluKitten

Hi again. I am so very sorry if I made you feel invalidated or that I hurt you by what I said. I am really very sorry. Please do not let my mistake keep you from getting support here. I did not mean to offend you. Please tell me how I can support you. I want to be able to and hope that my response doesn't prevent you from getting support. This forum is full of people who understand how parent's don't get it and aren't there for them. And others who can not afford therapy or do not want to go for reasons you mentioned. I am so so sorry for upsetting you. Help me understand what you need, the support you want. Help me understand you and what you need so you don't have to go this alone, with your friend. Again, I am so very sorry for upsetting you and hurting you. I really do care and never wanted to hurt you. I am sorry.

iwanttolive

iwanttolive
and

I am also sorry your parents are not kind or caring or helpful. That has to hurt. I in no way want to minimize your pain. As I said, I have been there and it is very difficult. But I just wanted to let you know that I was concerned for you. That's what I was trying to say. So, please give the forum another chance and you may find the support you are looking for. The moderators do take out certain wording or talk about numbers or certain mention of foods and such. I think most of us have experienced being moderated at some point. Again, I do not want to minimize what you are struggling with. Take care,

iwanttolive

BluKitten
Nah bro you're good. I

Nah bro you're good. I struggle with a lot of family issues and a huge ol' dysfunctional family. Me and my brother get along pretty well- but mom and I have warring personalities and theres some other stuff with dad (I will only share that through a direct and personal email, not where others can see). Wouldn't mind talking through email idk. But its just that I have a lot of issues that are worsening my ED. I look for therapy for many of those reasons- I mentioned a trauma in one of my messages. I was referring to rape. I want a therapist to try to stop remembering everything about those times (yes it was multiple rapes rip ik).

s.boewer
Hi

Hi- I just want to tell you I understand where you are coming from and how hard it is to suffer with ED alone, and not he able to ask parents for help. My years in high school were spent hiding a serious ED and I also had only one friend who I confided in. I hope it isn't too much longer until you turn 18 because the physical symptoms you described are serious and I would hate for something worse to happen. A therapist will help you understand all of the issues you described, the anxiety and unhealthy coping strategies, and help you work through the past trauma and feelings that are the cause of your ED. Maybe you and your friend could research online about recovering from ED and try to implement some strategies with her help right now. Keep writing on this forum about your struggles as people do relate and can offer input about how they got through similar struggles. What I can tell you for sure is that the problem is not food, and you will eventually have to address the core issues to heal. I hope you can try to experiment with ways to introduce more food to your daily rituals so that you don't continue to feel symptoms and lose more weight. From experience, I know that is asking a lot without the emotional support of a therapist, but maybe give it a try in small doses. I don't know if I can say anything helpful other than I have been where you are at and it is possible to recover so don't give up. I hope you will not stop writing here because the people here really care.

BluKitten
I got 2 more years until I

I got 2 more years until I turn 18. I've had eating disorders since I was 10 maybe. Before struggling with not eating I had struggled with binging.

s.boewer
Hi again

Hi again- wow, two years is a long time when you are starving yourself and I hope you can try to eat more calories so you don't collapse. You've been struggling a long time and I'm sorry for that. My ED started when I was 12 so I know what it's like to suffer during the years that are heard enough to get through without an ED. I wonder if your Mom already suspects there is a problem as Mom's usually have a sixth sense about things like this. I hope you are hanging in there and maybe finding some relief by talking with your friend. Have you tried to write your feelings in a journal? That helped me discover the underlying feelings I was trying to avoid, and it might give you some deeper insight about what is driving your ED (just a thought). Eating disorders are so tricky and elusive, making recovery very challenging in the best of circumstances, and you are facing this alone which makes it even harder. My thoughts are with you and I hope you find the strength to slowly add food into your daily routine so you don't suffer a medical crisis waiting to turn 18. I hope you will continue to write on this forum if you need to vent or process feelings around your ED. The people on here really do care and have a lot of helpful feedback. Take care:)

ameliaharry654
I really feel sad after

I really feel sad after reading your store. Everything will fine soon.