National Eating Disorders Association

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conflicted
Confused

I've always been a very private person and have always prided myself on my strength and I feel like struggling with the bulimia has been this battle that isn't actually that important. I know its a bad thing but i am proud of myself for hiding it and dealing and coping with it, and I feel stronger for having it. I also feel so shitty when I see all my guy friends only screenshotting the nudes of big girls with big bums, and I want so bad to have a bum and boobs but at the same time I'm also so scared of gaining weight. Every time i weigh myself and see that i've lost weight i cant help but smile but then start crying because recently i have been trying to gain weight but i'm just replacing purging with excercise and i'm losing more weight than i used to while purging. Im so conflicted between not looking like a skeleton and gaining weight. I know all of this is so wrong but i just feel so conflicted about all of this. I don't know how to deal with this as purging was my coping mechanism for years. I don't know what to do.