National Eating Disorders Association

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
maurakownacki
Worried that i might be headed towards relapse...

Hi all,
Since i have discharged frin treatment roughly 2 years ago, i have managed to gain and maintain some weight. I see my therapist every two weeks and get weighed in and discuss my progress with her, and i have been consistently gaining or maintaining. The problem is, the past few sessions i have kept dropping weight. At first i didnt think it was true weight loss, however,it has been steadily declining each time (i will refrain from using numbers here) and i am starting to get concerned because i have dropped a significant amount without trying.

I did notice my eating habits have slightly changed, and i have subconsciously cut a small amount out od my daily routine, but I did not even think this was significant enough to make an impact. Now I am struggling to eat the same amount i have been eating without issue for the past year.

I don't know what to do :( any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for listening!

imstillgrowing
Maurakownacki

Hi Maurakownacki,
I'm sorry you are struggling again. I get the "weight loss without trying." I think "oh, if I just skip this snack it won't make a difference" or "skipping one exchange this meal is fine." Unfortunately, even my seemingly "small" cuts result in weight loss and I'm always surprised. I do think that small cuts can be the beginning of relapses if it isn't dealt with quickly. But I think it is really good that you are aware that you could relapse. That's the first step to change! I don't know if I have much advice but know that you are not alone. Focus on the joys of living a life ED-free. Take care of yourself and do some things that you love doing. How are you doing today?

maurakownacki
Imstillgrowing

Thank you for your reply.
Ive been hungry today and avoiding it. I know i need to approach the hunger and nourish my body, however. Its just very hard.

imstillgrowing
maurakownacki

Yes, it is very hard. Sometimes I try to distract myself from the hunger without even realizing what I'm doing. You can do it. I believe in you :)

Nordicskier
Asking myself the question

Asking myself the question "What do I need to do today to stay in recovery?" or "If I were healthy today, what would I do?" sometimes helps me. And the restricting/starvation high is so addicting, you are right to be cautious. You might need to check in with your therapist or follow a meal plan in order to stop your slide. My guess (speaking from my own lost recovery) is that if you were solidly in recovery, you would be eating when you are hungry, and not avoiding it.

maurakownacki
Nordicskier

Thank you for your reply. You are right about the hunger avoidance. I feel lately likely want to be very adament towards the body positivity movement, and I feel as though others are beautiful at so many different weights and body sizes, but for some reason, that I am different and that I am repulsive unless I hit "x" weight, and even when I hit that weight, it is not enough. It is frustrating that I am killing myself for this self confidence I am realizing I never will obtain...

Nordicskier
totally

Yes, I agree totally, I can really appreciate the "dress sizes can't define you" from a cognitive perspective, but somehow I am ONLY using my size/number to define me. I have been reading "Life without ed," by Jennifer Schaefer, and I see myself in so many of the distortions in thinking that she talks about. Right now, I am struggling most with the belief that I will be "OK" if I don't lose any more pounds, but can't possible gain any either. Clearly it is not a healthy place to be fixated on a particular number. In group today talking about wanting to use external criteria to define what is going on, when it really should be about what is going on inside. Sooo much easier to talk about it that to really apply it to my life.

iwanttolive
numbers

Hi. I just wanted to jump in here. Eating disorders are sometimes what defines a person, or that person allows it to define who they are. But that is a lie the eating disorder wants us to believe. That is why no number is low enough, and for others, no number is high enough. I hid behind an eating disorder for a long time. I also am careful not to give it an identity. I don't say, my eating disorder, or address it as ED. I don't give it a personality. I refer to it as it, or the eating disorder because we are so much more than a number of size. Throughout my decades long struggle with eating disorders, I was afraid to live. So I hid. In hospitals, and programs. The illness takes over the brain at a certain point and then intervention is needed. But once we get nourished and have counseling, we get to choose once again if we are going to listen to the lies, or the truth. We are not an eating disorder. It does not define us. It wants to take from us and take us. We didn't choose the eating disorder but we can choose to learn to live without it. That takes time, therapy, prayer, for me, my faith in Jesus and finding my identity in Him and who He says I am. I have learned to thank God for my body, the legs that carry me, the arms I life up to praise Him, or wash my clients body and put cream on her back. I don't always like the thighs, but have come to accept that that is how I am made. For me, no number was low enough. But...I am now settled at a weigh I never though I would. And I am okay with it. It is possible to make peace with your body. I am not totally comfortable with certain parts, but that is what being a woman is. I have a difficult time acknowledging I am a woman. I am female. Woman scares me. So I still have work to do. But I am okay with my weight. I never thought this could happen. I write this to let you know we are not a number, a size, an eating disorder. We are all unique, and special and uniquely designed. We all have something to give, someone to love. I know how difficult it is to live with an eating disorder. But I also know how it feels to be free from one too. I wish you all the best and keep talking. It helps. You are not alone. Take care,

iwanttolive