National Eating Disorders Association

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Oliver278
Desire to Relapse

I have been living essentially ED-free for years. I considered it a somewhat embarrassing, but otherwise inconsequential part of my past. I'm 23 now, and I was 16-18 back then; I felt like I'd learned and grown and anyway, I didn't *really* have anorexia because I didn't lose enough weight, so it really didn't matter.

Then, my doctor told me I'm slightly pre-diabetic, and that I need to lose some weight.

I'm aware that I'm overweight these days. Maybe as a result of being on so many SSRI meds, maybe as a result of a somewhat sedentary lifestyle, maybe as a result of not really paying attention to what I eat. Who knows.

So I changed my meds with my psychiatrist, downloaded My Fitness Pal, and decided I would eat a certain number of calories a day.

Only, I started noticing some troubling things. I would feel pride and happiness when I ate less than I allotted myself. I would feel intense guilt about eating "bad" foods, even if my calorie count was fine. And perhaps the most troubling thing, I didn't care at all if I'd skipped a meal or two for whatever reason, and ate less than I should have.

I talked with my therapist, and she told me to delete the app and stop counting calories. I talked with my girlfriend, and now she praises me for "letting myself" have unhealthy, which annoys me to no end.

I just want to be skinny again. And I want the good feelings that come with restriction. It's driving me crazy.

.

TLDR: My Dr says I need to lose weight for my health. Trying to live healthy has caused my anorexia brain to come on full force. I want to relapse like I want oxygen in my lungs.

_admin_moderator
Hello Oliver 278! . A portion

Hello Oliver 278! . A portion of your comment was edited due to specific numbers and behaviors. For further reading, the community guidelines can be found here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines Thank you and please continue posting.

mcrome
I've been feeling the same way

I keep going between wanting to recover and really badly wanting to relapse, so I can definitely relate