National Eating Disorders Association

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Savedbygrace
I feel like

I've been losing weight. I'm thinking about getting a scale. My eating disorder wants me to start acting out because my stomach is too big. I don't feel thin enough. Trying not to purge.

imstillgrowing
Ugh, I'm so, so sorry you are

Ugh, I'm so, so sorry you are feeling this way. I'd suggest not getting a scale... it has been such a hindrance for me in my recovery. All scales do is tell us our relationship with gravity anyways :) How are you doing now?

Savedbygrace
Thank you for checking on me.

Unfortunately, I acted on behaviors a couple different times today. I'm doing really poorly. I walked way too many hours, but I feel a compulsion to walk for hours. I like it, yet hate it. Part of me feels a sort of high when I'm purging, but I feel out of control while it's happening or right after.

It's a love hate thing with the eating disorder.

Tomorrow my husband signs us up for insurance, so I'm HOPING that the new cards come in the mail in the next week or two, at the most.

How have you been lately? I'm sorry for not asking, but my energy to be able to form anything is limited. I hope you're doing better.

imstillgrowing
I totally get the love-hate

I totally get the love-hate relationship with the eating disorder. I don't understand why I still think the eating disorder benefits me in any way. I want to recover, yet I'm also scared of recovering. I've been doing a little better. I'm starting each meal and snack with "God I surrender this meal/snack to you." It helps me to think that I honor God when I follow my meal plan. I move back into the dorms today and start classes on Thursday which I'm so excited about! Also a little nervous because this time last year, as I was moving back into the dorms, is when the eating disorder took off.
Praying for the insurance to set in quickly for you <3
-imstillgrowing

Savedbygrace
That's awesome!!

I'm really excited for you and this new chapter in your life. You're going to have a lot of fun and a time of growth in life. It sounds like things are going really well, and that's definitely encouraging to hear. It sounds like you're getting through and eventually on top of the disorder.
Keep us posted on how things are going.
I appreciate the prayers.

London1621
Hi

Sending you Hugs. I hope you are okay.

Savedbygrace
Thank you London

It's been a while since we heard from you these days. How have you been doing?

London1621
HiSavedbygrace

Hi, I'm doing ok today. How are you doing? Thank you for asking. Hugs.

Savedbygrace
If

There's anything you want to talk about, know we're here for you on the forum. Last night 2 older people asked if I was purging to my husband when I went to the bathroom after eating something I felt had too many calories, which I did, and I want to do it again soon. I'm trying so hard not to, but it feels almost like a compulsion that only goes away when I do purge.
As far as insurance, my husband signs us up next Tuesday.
Hopefully I'll be admitted within the next 3 weeks for treatment.
The bulimia without the binging is increasing.

London1621
Thank you Savedbygrace

Your so nice. Hugs. I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. I hope you will be okay soon. I will pray that your husband's insurance will come soon.

Savedbygrace
Thank you

I'm hoping I start getting better soon too. I hope you're doing well. How is your eating disorder?

London1621
Hi

I hope that everything works out for you. I still haven't told my parents or sister about this. It's hard to keep this to myself.

Savedbygrace
Hey

Thank you. I have the feeling that no matter how you try to hide the disorder, I'm sure they're picking up that you're suffering, or that behaviors are increasing. They probably want to hear from you. You matter. As someone who struggles with speaking up and using my voice, I would suggest texting or writing a letter if you want to tell your family. Just a suggestion.

London1621
Hi

I will write down what is going on with me and try giving them the note. Thank you. Sending you hugs.

Savedbygrace
You're welcome

Keep us posted on how it goes. Please pray that the residential facility takes the new insurance. Thank you.

BlueMermaid19
I feel the same way

I just bought a food scale I really thought it would help but it made things so much worse

Savedbygrace
I'm sorry

You are struggling. Have you considered seeking out professional help for the eating disorder?

iwanttolive
BlueMermaid19

Hi. I am sorry for your struggle. Yea, buying a food scale just sucks you deeper into the disorder. It's part of the distraction that an eating disorder brings. Numbers, food, lack of food, weighing self, weighing food, counting calories, all of this causes a sufferer to think about something else instead of the real problems that are the cause of the eating disorder. Pain, memories, abuse, bullying, whatever it may be. The disorder is used as a way to avoid. Avoid facing these painful emotions and causes us to focus on something more tangible, such as the above mentioned. Counting, measuring, etc. This is a simplistic way to explain how eating disorders work. In order to step into recovery and out of the disorder is to put distance between the distractions the eating disorder uses. The problem is is that then we have to face the pain that the eating disorder makes it easy not to. Does this make sense? I am sorry for your pain, for the suffering the eating disorder has brought into your life, and the reasons it developed in the first place. That is where therapy comes in. A therapist is trained to help us with the behaviors and the pain of having an eating disorder and then to dig to find out why it developed in the first place. Then little by little the behaviors can begin to not be needed and the eating disorder loses its power and recovery begins to happen. Very much a simple structure of how eating disorders work. I again am sorry for your pain. Can you get rid of the food scale? What about a regular scale? Are you struggling with weighing yourself a lot? Can you try to get rid of that scale as well? You will be amazed at how much that helps. Please don't think I think this is easy. I don't. It is incredibly difficult. I am glad you are posting and encourage you to post more as much as you need. My heart is with you.

iwanttolive