National Eating Disorders Association

11 posts / 0 new
Last post
hermione3
Feeling defeated

Well I was hopeful but I feel defeated my therapist doesn’t believe I am trying and I am and tonight was an awful session and really the only person who would understand is my best friend and well next week ha the third anniversary of her death...I miss her everyday and I just drove home from my session wishing I could talk to her anytime after a bad session I would call her And she would understand and somehow make it better my stomach is all messed up and that isn’t helping matters just so sad and broken right now

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. I am so sorry about your loss. It must be so painful. I don't really know what to say but God knows your every hurt a and He can help you with the pain. He is able to help you in your journey as well. Can you try talking to Him. He is called the God of all comfort. So I will leave you with that I care about
T what happens with you and will be praying for you.

iwanttolive

hermione3
Thanks for the support I am

Thanks for the support I am frustrated that my therapist doesn’t believe I am trying and I am but if I don’t gain to a certain weight she has decided on that I don’t know she said she will basically be done with me... I am trying so hard and she said maybe this is what rock bottom feels like because I feel like a horrible person...

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. First I want to say you are not a horrible person. You are dealing with a horrible disease. But there does come a point where trying and doing have to meet. This is not meant to be harsh. But I had to come to that decision myself. Do I want to keep trying, keep trying not to self harm, but still continue to engage, still try to work on not overeating, or restricting, or whatever and finally jumping into the deep end and doing it. It took me trying for thirty years. Then I finally did it. And I am behavior free for two months and free from anorexia for four years. I am sorry your therapist is being tough with you but she may be trying to help you see that you have to make a decision. Do you want to be where you are in another year? I don't want to see you still suffering as you are. I say this with all the love and care and support I have in me. I care about you and that is why I am being a little tough. Eating disorders have one goal, to destroy lives. You deserve better. Please don't take this post and get more depressed. I speak from experience. I know what it is like. I almost died several times. I have been there, and am no longer. You can do this. Do it for yourself.

iwanttolive

hermione3
Thanks for the support I know

Thanks for the support I know my therapist is trying to help but she can just be a bit harsh sometimes I do have to make a decision and I really have been trying so hard like I am eating as much as I can and I have to gain a certain amount of weight by time I see my nutritionist and I don’t know the number but I am also having stomach problems so I feel sick after I eat so much. I thought of when I studied abroad and I was st first in my eating disorder and restricted but eventually just ate normally and it was 3 months of no one knowing my weight and I did gain but not in a forced way but that was the first time in line years not one person knew my weight not even me and I was happy and just ate as I wanted then of course I got home weighed myself and chose to lose weight but like my home stay family when we went to visit at the end of my 3 months was like oh you look so much better we were worried about you when you were here at first and that was just natural I allowed myself to eat the things I liked no one forced me it was just good I didn’t even gain to a very high weight it was just healthier and I did it without thinking becaoi didn’t even know my weight the whole time and there was no force to gain it just happened

jskoeni
Loss

Hermione3,
I am so sorry that you are suffering. I know how difficult it can be to want to get healthier and have your team believe you are getting healthier. I am sure it is a difficult situation, even for your therapist as s/he wants you to get better and a lot of times, especially for EDs, the numbers have to be the gauge we use to find a healthy level. Have you talked to your nutritionist about how your meal plan could be tweaked so that you could gain weight? It sounds like you want to get better and maybe there are some proactive things that you can do to show your therapist that you want to get better (e.g. working with your nutritionist to enhance your meal plan so that you can gain weight).

Sadly, the ED changes things and makes it difficult for those in recovery to ever just eat without thinking about it and I hope that, one day, you can achieve that. I have been in recovery for over 17 years and have not had a relapse of my ED in over 15 years. I always think about my ED, my recovery, and what I am eating. It takes strength and will to not engage in behaviors and fall into old routines. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we are ready to make that switch into fighting for recovery.

As for your friend, I am so sorry. I know what it is like. I lost a very dear friend last fall to suicidal depression and bipolar. We were honest and open about mental illness and our struggles. I miss her every day. I am not sure if this will help but when I miss my friend, I talk to her, cry to her, and yell to her. I vent it out and try to find some acceptance and understanding. I also have significant GI tract issues, which are stressed induced. Have you talked about your friend to your therapist? It might help.

Please keep coming back to the forums and stick to recovery! You are a brave, amazing, and strong recovery warrior. This too shall pass.

If you need NEDA, they can help.

NEDA Contact:
Helpline 1-800-931-2237
Chat at www.myneda.org
Text "NEDA" to 741741

hermione3
Thanks for the support and i

Thanks for the support and i am able to talk about my friend she was also my therapist’s patient so we even went to the funeral together. I am working with a weight gain meal plan and I feel I am always eating and like I feel sick to my stomach and I am in my friends wedding today and I feel so bloated because my body is readjusting and I feel like my food from yesterday has not even fully digested i am weighing myself and I did gain and like a lot in two weeks and I am overwhelmed and I know I shouldn’t weigh myself but I have wanted to make sure I am gaining I hate it is focused on a number I feel it is stressing me out more. I love my therapist and she told me she has no reason to trust me about the food and I can’t prove it to her until I see my nutritionist...I am so upset I am kind this before my friends wedding but I feel so fat in the dress it just doesn’t fit my body well to begin with and someone saw a picture of me in it and said it made me look fat very insensitive and I am just so self conscious ...

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi, That was the last thing you needed to hear. I am sorry someone said that to you. I am proud of you for going to the wedding even though you are feeling so ill. That was such a good friend of you to do that. I am really proud of you. It took courage and strength and you showed the eating disorder that it wasn't going to stop you. As for your therapist, just keep open the dialogue and be honest with her and there is nothing more you can do but follow the meal plan and tell you what you are doing and work through this rough spot with her. She has been wonderful with you in the past. She sounds like a very good therapist. I hope she will continue on with you and trust that what you tell her is true. Be true to yourself first and others will follow. Take care and caring thoughts and prayers sent your way.

iwanttolive

hermione3
Thanks for the support the

Thanks for the support the wedding was lovely and I had a really nice time even though I felt sick. I was ok in my dress and everyone said I looked beautiful and in some of my pictures I actually think I look nice. I am trying so hard to do what I need to do to prove to my therapist I am trying I see my nutritionist Saturday and I actually hope j gained weight I feel like all I do is eat all day... I am being honest but it’s hard I don’t see my therapist again until Thursday I sent her a picture of me dressed up for the wedding with my hair and makeup done and she said I looked beautiful and just enjoy the day and I really did enjoy the day so win for me. It is the third year anniversary of my best friends death Wednesday I am going to get the ice cream we got the last time we got together before she died to honor her she also had an eating disorder and I haven’t had the ice cream we had since she died... I am trying and my therapist is great I just hope I can prove to her I am trying so she continues to work with me I can’t imagine doing this without her

iwanttolive
hermione3

I am again so sorry your friend died. That is so tragic. It is good that you are going to honor her by treating yourself. I hope you go with someone. That would be ideal. Keep doing what you are doing and being honest as you are being and I don't believe your therapist will leave you. You two have been through a lot together. I am happy you had a good time at the wedding despite not feeling well. I hate it when I don't feel well and physically I haven't felt the best recently. I just have to do what I know I need to do. For instance, dinner time, not hungry but I know I have to eat. So I will. I have GI issues and am going through early stages of menopause and it doesn't make for feeling all that great. I also an getting iron infusions as my iron has been consistently low for a few years which makes me tired all the time. But emotionally and behavior wise and with my thoughts all is really great. So I deal with not feeling so well until I feel better. Hang in there, you are doing a lot of difficult work.

iwanttolive

iwanttolive
hermione3

I am again so sorry your friend died. That is so tragic. It is good that you are going to honor her by treating yourself. I hope you go with someone. That would be ideal. Keep doing what you are doing and being honest as you are being and I don't believe your therapist will leave you. You two have been through a lot together. I am happy you had a good time at the wedding despite not feeling well. I hate it when I don't feel well and physically I haven't felt the best recently. I just have to do what I know I need to do. For instance, dinner time, not hungry but I know I have to eat. So I will. I have GI issues and am going through early stages of menopause and it doesn't make for feeling all that great. I also an getting iron infusions as my iron has been consistently low for a few years which makes me tired all the time. But emotionally and behavior wise and with my thoughts all is really great. So I deal with not feeling so well until I feel better. Hang in there, you are doing a lot of difficult work.

iwanttolive