National Eating Disorders Association

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drlemur
Avoiding dangerous situations

Really struggling right now with my partner sneaking out between 3 and 4am every night to engage in her ED behaviours. I know I can't stop her behaviours or fix her so I tend to stay out of her decisions because I know there is nothing I can do. I've woken up or seen her leave and insisted I come with her but have always been met with hostility and her storming off into the night. My concern of course is for her safety. We live in a very rough and dangerous area, rife with stabbings and worse and a young woman walking the streets alone at these kind of hours, it's a miracle the worst hasn't happened already. I just really don't know what to do. I'm not happy with her going out alone like this. I've told her as much and she doesn't care. I totally empathise with her condition I know it's not her fault. I just have no clue what to actually do :(

Jennalee
How scary that must be for

How scary that must be for you. Are you in a situation to possibly enter couples therapy? Maybe it could be a safe place for you to let your feelings put with the help of someone else maintaining the integrity of the conversation?

Jennalee
How scary that must be for

How scary that must be for you. Are you in a situation to possibly enter couples therapy? Maybe it could be a safe place for you to let your feelings put with the help of someone else maintaining the integrity of the conversation?

BobJ48
Dan.

Have things reached the point where she sees any of this as "a problem" ??

It's hard to imagine that she thinks everything is fine.

Bob J.

drlemur
Everything is fine

No she definitely sees this as normal. She grew up in the worst most rough place ever and is "used" to being harassed. She keeps telling me she's not a child and doesn't need me to protect her every second.. well it's not every second but at 3am in a dangerous area I think it's a valid point. Even me mentioning this was a problem for me and I was worried just made things worse. She said "Maybe I've been too honest with you about my ED and we should keep all of that stuff totally seperate from our relationship." I don't know where to begin with that statement. She is not open to any kind of therapy. I've never once judged her but I do draw the line at her immediate safety. If she doesn't care that that's effecting me I don't know what to do.. She's basically asking me not to care about her and I love her so how can I do that? It's rough.

BobJ48
Dan.

"She said "Maybe I've been too honest with you about my ED and we should keep all of that stuff totally seperate from our relationship." I don't know where to begin with that statement. "

No kidding. As the old saying goes, when our partners have problems they're are problems too, and there's really no way around that.

"If she doesn't care that that's effecting me I don't know what to do."

Well exactly. If she thinks it's unreasonable for you to care about her, would she say that it's unreasonable that she should care about you ? After all, we can't really demand that people should be not effected by things like this. That's an unreasonable thing to ask too.

If you feel that everything is not fine in the relationship, then by definition, things aren't fine. And "It's your problem" is not a statement that does anything to negate that.

So yeah, there may be some kind of ultimatum that's needed. If she's not going to confront any of this, it's not fair for her to ask you to just live with it. It just drags a person down too much to ask that.