National Eating Disorders Association

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MuzikMuse500
"You're NOT fine."

That is what they told me at my evaluation yesterday at a Providence Eating Disorder clinic. I've lost a significant amount of weight and have hit the number that I once thought was undoubtedly anorexic...and still, I couldn't help but say to the therapist doing my evaluation, "I have a hard time believing I'm that bad. I keep feeling like I'm fine...."
"Well, I'm here to tell you that you're not fine," he said. "I don't think you're fine."
They told me flat-out. I need intensive treatment, and soon. I'm at the lowest weight of my adult life. My heart is showing signs of working too hard. I'm eating too little and am psychologically unable to make myself eat more on my own. When I suggested that maybe I could get away with just seeing a nutritionist, the therapist said, "I'm sorry. That's not going to cut it, at this point. I have to recommend our program."
And so I've started the admissions process for a partial hospitalization inpatient program. I'm going to have to take a break from school and work. I'll be at the hospital every single day for at least 6 weeks from my first admissions date. This is a medical emergency....Or so they tell me.
Why is my brain trying to convince me I'm fine? Why is it telling me that I should lose a few more pounds?
But, for the first time, I'm starting to believe...maybe I really am that sick. I have all these professionals telling me that this is life threatening. Maybe it's time I believe them.
This is totally surreal and crazy and I feel sick to my stomach when I think about making this drastic life change and dropping my college classes. How do I cope with this?
I know I can't keep going the way I'm going. I dread waking up in the morning. I'm tired of living this way. I've been self harming and having thoughts of suicide. I need help...and I might finally be ready to admit that.
Anyone else in this place or have been in this place? How do I cope as I began my recovery?

iwanttolive
MuzikMuse500

Hi. So how are you doing? Were you expecting to hear what you were told or did it take you by surprise? I think the most common phrase people with eating disorders say is "I am fine". I said it and even now my mom asked me how I was and I said I am okay. Truth is I am depressed. So, it is common to be in denial about how bad the disorder is and how it is hurting your health and emotions. Physically, the eating disorder wrecks havoc on our bodies. You need time to heal and give your body a chance to get used to food again and to heal. It is scary, yes. No doubt. But see this as an opportunity to be around people who understand what you are going through. You will be able to relate to others and others to you. As for your brain telling you you can lose more weight, it is because your brain has been affected by malnutrition and isn't thinking clearly, which is why you need help. Otherwise you may die. That is the stark truth. If you abuse your body long enough and it starts to break down, it affects your heart, brain and other major organs. Your thinking is foggy and you are lost. So use this as an opportunity to get refed. To get nourished. To fix what is going wrong within your body. It can be a good thing. The rest. Taking time of from work and school. That will always be there. Your health and mental health is primary importance now.

Let us know how you are tonight if you can. I wish you the best. You deserve to get this help.

iwanttolive

Bun4curls
I can empathize for sure. My

I can empathize for sure. My therapist yesterday put into place a plan that if I don’t follow will lead to hospitalization. I’m so terrified and yet I don’t see that I’m sick. I don’t look sick, I don’t feel sick. I’m fine! But she’s concerned and that concerns me. The thing for me is I’m not underweight. No one would know if I didn’t tell them. Now I’m faced with the reality of should I lie about keeping up with my plan? Or should I also put school and work and graduation and internships on hold to be admitted? I too feel psychologically unable to eat more on my own so I know I need bigger help but I don’t see it and I FEEL FINE. But like you said, I too, am NOT fine.

MuzikMuse500
Iwantolive

Thank you so much for saying what you said, I need to hear these things right now... I'm definitely struggling a lot with feeling ashamed, confused, depressed, and like this isnt real. My anxiety is going through the roof. I was honestly completely shocked by what they told me at the eval. But I'm starting to see glimpses of what they are talking about. I can admit that my brain is totally foggy and my thinking isn't rational. I can admit I need help.
I think I'd be doing worse as far as self harm and handling this emotionally, but my boyfriend has been taking good care of me. He's been at my side ever since the eval to make sure I'm safe, to let me talk, to hold me when I cry. So yeah, for now, even though I feel entirely untethered and distraught, I'm surviving... Thank you for caring enough to ask. How are you? How us your depression today?

Adage
Hey MuzikMuse. I've been

Hey MuzikMuse. I've been keeping up with your posts and I just wanted to chime in real quick to show my support. It really warms my heart to hear that you've decided to journey down the path towards recovery! Congrats. It may have bumps and turns and dips and peaks, but it just might be worth the ride! Also, i wanted to leave these links in support. Reach out if you need to!

Self-Harm Hotline: 800-DONTCUT (366.8288)
http://www.selfinjury.com

- Adage

MuzikMuse500
Adage

Thank you so much for reaching out like this. It warms MY heart that all these people I don't know are so ready to support me and offer help. Thank you so much for the hotlines, I truly appreciate it.

MuzikMuse500
Bun4curls

Hey there, I can obviously relate to where you're at. I've got to tell you, even if you're not underweight yet doesnt mean you aren't in danger. I wasn't underweight just a few weeks ago and insisted I was fine. Now, I need to be hospitalized and am at the lowest weight of my life. Before I even reached this point, however, I had brain fog, fatigue, and my heart would beat too fast after the smallest of physical activities.
I'm curious, is your therapist trained with helping people with eating disorders? I would have to recommend finding someone who is experienced at helping people to recover from eating disorders. Keep me posted as to how you're doing!

Bun4curls
I know I need help even not

I know I need help even not being underweight. I already see the other signs of fatigue., brain fog, irritability. I know I’ve lost control and part of me wants the help but the ED part insists I’m fine. I’m not sure if my therapist is specifically trained which is why I was nervous to tell her because I have such a good relationship with her and didn’t want to lose her and have to start all over. She was amazingly helpful yesterday. I was fearful she wouldn’t take it seriously but I think it freaked me out even more that she did, even though I wanted her to. I’ll for sure keep you posted. I’m taking one step at a time and trying to stay accountable to other people until I can do it for myself.

_admin_moderator
Dear MuzikMuse500, we are

Dear MuzikMuse500, we are worried about you and would highly recommend you to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) when you have suicida thoughts. When you are engaging in self-harming behaviors please contact the self-injury crisis line at 1-800-366-8288. Both are free and available 24/7 to provide support any time you need. Please take care of yourself and keep sharing.

MuzikMuse500
Thank you

Thanks everyone for the concern and support and resources

MuzikMuse500
Clinic

Today is my fifth day in A partial hospitalization program. I know some of you had questions or were following my posts. Let me know if anyone wants to hear more about this journey and what a PHP clinic is like. Also, Bun4Curls, how are you doing? Have you gotten admitted to treatment yet?

Bun4curls
So glad to hear you’re doing

So glad to hear you’re doing so well! Good luck in PHP! That’s tough! I am just seeing my regular therapist a little more frequently. But actually she is out of town right now so it’s been a tough week and will be this week. Some days are better than others for sure eating wise. Thanks for checking in!

Savedbygrace
There's also

I'malive.org if you can't get onto the national suicide prevention hotline.