National Eating Disorders Association

4 posts / 0 new
Last post
Jenny_D
'This ED doesn't make me special'

Hi guys! I'm new here, have read through several of your posts already. First of all, thank you so much for your support and care. My story is not special. It's neither new nor interesting. But it's mine. I live in Russia, in an ordinary cold Russian city, big enough to feel small in it, small enough to feel at times bored. I used to engage in eating disorder behaviors. It started when I was 18 and didn't go away till I had a baby (so, it was with me for 7 years and nobody had a clue of what was going on and what I was going through). Three years ago I had a baby. After that everything started to change, both mentally and physically. I lost the weight that in my mind didn't let me love myself enough, I started to eat healthier, I started to care about myself so much more. I finally loved me. But now, three years later, I feel lost again. That terrible, that dark cloud is hanging over me again. It's coming back. Sense of no control, isolation, low self esteem. You know what I'm talking about. YOU KNOW. The problem is, I've been sitting at home with my child for three years. My husband and I parted 2 years ago and got divorced. I've been working from home, I've been taking care of my child, I've been all alone. This sense of unbearable isolation is something I can't event describe (I don't know the right words in any language to do it). I started to engage in behaviors again. I don't look like a person with an eating disorder, belive me. Like many of you. However, we all do have one thing in common - we want help. We want someone, at least one person to understand. Like, really understand. I want to find such person. Please, I know you're somewhere out there. Just let me know you exist. Lend me y oh r hand, I'll lend you mine. Love you already. Let's keep in touch

_admin_moderator
Post Edited

Hi Jenny_D, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story. Your post has been edited to take out any behaviors that might be triggering to other forum members. You can find the forum guidelines here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines Please keep sharing! 

iwanttolive
Jenny_D.

Hello and greetings from the USA. Yes I identify with the isolation. I am sorry for the failed marriage. That's really difficult. How old is your baby and how is she. You are also correct in stating eating disordered bodies come in all shapes and sizes. It is the mental torment and agonizing that is the fiercest aspect of an eating disorder. And being alone makes things even worse. Do you have any supports? Anyone who knows or understands. That is very important to help with the isolation. Also, being in a country where little is understood about eating disorders can be difficult. We here on the forum understand a lot of what we all go through, and there is hep and Hope. I struggled for many decades and am finally doing fairly well. It took a lot of time and effort though. We are here for you to support you, for we are close by the forum. As close as the next person. We understand. I want you to know you are not alone and I am glad you found us. Gaining weight through binging is never easy but remember you are not a number, you are not what you weigh. You are special, created for a purpose with a purpose. Your little one needs you now and you need her. Please continue to post as much as you need to as we are here and we do understand. I hope to see you here again.
iwantttolive

lovetowrite81
Jenny_D

Hi Jenny_D-

Just wanted to check in & see how you have been doing since you posted? Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story w/ us and reaching out for support. I'm so sorry you are going through this- I know that you feel alone, but I just want you to know that you're among a community who truly does understand what you're going through. Do you have any family members or friends you have been able to share with about what is going on? Have you ever received professional help while battling ED? Hope to hear from you again soon- thinking of you <3