National Eating Disorders Association

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micayla9320
Not sure where to go from here...

I'm new at this but I want to talk to someone else who might be dealing with the same things I am. I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm alone and just want to talk to someone who might understand. I am a college student and I have utilized the counseling center on my campus but nothing that I am doing there seems to be helping, if anything I am getting worse. I am dealing with depression which makes everything else worse. Every time I leave a counseling session I feel like I'm not 'bad' enough to get help. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I need to reach out to someone and I feel like I'm going crazy. I also am just tired of hating myself and being disgusted that I ate anything. I hate feeling full because to me feeling full is the same as feeling fat. I can get myself to eat at least once a day but spend the next hour berating myself and going over all the things I ate. Being around a lot of food makes me anxious and there will be times I just don't eat for days. At that point the hunger feels comforting even though I know it shouldn't. I know I shouldn't do this and feel like this but I can't help it. I am about to go home for spring break and I am debating whether or not to tell my parents but don't feel like I am 'bad' enough to talk to them about it.

justgina
welcome

Hi micayla9320, welcome to the forums - I'm glad you found us, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I know that feeling that nobody will understand, but this is a community full of supportive people that do <3

What about these counseling sessions at school makes you feel you're not "bad enough"? It's great that you're aware of what you're doing and want to get better - that's a huge first step. I think talking to your parents is a wonderful idea. Please know that you don't have to fit a certain mold to have an eating disorder or to want help. They come in many forms, and it sounds to me like you're tired of living this way, which is reason enough to try something different. Anything you're feeling is justified, and you deserve to be free of this unhealthy relationship with food and your weight. Maybe your parents will be able to help find a new therapist who is more helpful for you. It's important to find a good fit!

We're here for you, keep us updated!

justgina

lovetowrite81
Micayla

Hi Micayla-

Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? We're glad you found us on the forums & decided to reach out. I can totally relate with you, as I have experienced depression and disordered thoughts/behaviors around food in college as well. It's so hard. It must be frustrating that even in getting help at the counseling center, it hasn't seemed to change anything. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I want you to know that you deserve to be healthy and happy, and I can hear the pain and mental/emotional turmoil in your post. And want you to know that you do deserve to get support, to reach out. You are dealing with depression- which you did not choose. It is not your fault. But there is no point that one is considered "sick enough" for help. You express these concerns which are valid. You are worthy and deserving of thriving as your best self.
How is it at home over spring break? Did you decide whether or not to talk to your parents? Keep us posted, know that we are always here to listen.
<3 Lovetowrite81

micayla9320
I still haven't decided yet.

I still haven't decided yet. I haven't found a good opportunity to even open the conversation. I don't know what help it is going to be. I am at school a majority of the year and I don't know if they would believe me at this point. My dad says I can talk to him about anything but I don't want to talk with him about where my thoughts go in the day to day. I just feel as though telling the people around me isn't going to be any help because they won't understand and they won't be able to do anything. My grandpa's birthday is tomorrow and my mom is cooking a huge meal with dessert and I'm already anxious about it. I feel like I have to show everyone what they expect to see and that means eating normally but as much as I try I can't and what I do eat I go over in my head a hundred times after. I couldn't enjoy the day out with my mom because I was so distracted after eating lunch. There is also a scale at home that I forgot about and I can see how easily it can be to weigh yourself. I started doing it twice a day, the first time I didn't realize it and now I do it like clockwork. I'm eating slightly more to put on what they want to see but I feel worse emotionally. I'm trying to do better but I don't feel like I'm going to get there. At this point I don't see how loosing some weight is a bad thing and I'm better emotionally when I don't eat so why try?

ChooseRecovery
You recognize the most important thing

Micayla: You know you're depressed, you know you have an ED, and you've been to the counseling center. So you're recognizing your issues and want to address them. That's a huge step forward. What's the next step? It could very well be opening up to your parents. As a parent of a daughter with an ED, I could see she was suffering before it "all came out in the open" when she told us. Your parents must already have a sense, because you mention what they "expect to see," but they don't know how to approach the topic. My feeling is that the larger your support network, the greater your chances of recovery and health. So I would talk to your parents if you can trust them. And by the way, with conversations like these . . . there are rarely good opportunities to get them started. Sometimes you have to just dive in. Also, have you considered reaching beyond the school counseling center and seeking out a therapist that specializes in eating disorders? Many of them also deal with common co-existing conditions such as depression and anxiety. Please continue to take steps to strengthen your support network. And keep us updated on the forum.

lovetowrite81
Micayla

Hi Micayla,

I apologize for the late reply. How have you been feeling this past week? How did it go with your family dinner? I know how difficult it is to initiate that conversation and can totally understand your thoughts of 'no one will be able to do anything, so why does it matter.' I have found that in my recovery, it helps just knowing someone knows what I'm going through. Even though my best friend isn't able to fix the problem or make it go away, just knowing I have that support of someone in my corner has made all the difference. I agree with the previous poster in that maybe diving in & confiding in your parents is a good next step. ED loves to thrive in secrecy- and once it's brought into light, that only brings about more opportunities for healing and recovery.

Let us know your thoughts, keep us posted on how you're doing <3

micayla9320
I didn't tell my parents over

I didn't tell my parents over break. I wanted to, and there were times when I started to try to initiate the conversation by bringing up seeing someone over the summer and my depression making other things worse but there was so much going on they said okay we'll look at that later, or let's talk about that later. I had a day out with my mom and she ended up on her phone for most of it. I wasn't able to really talk with her then. I didn't feel like I could talk to her after that. At one point she even made a comment about my weight and hers, after that I stopped trying.
The family dinner was hard and afterwards, I felt terrible for eating as much as I did. I'm back at school now after spending the last couple days at my friend's house. She is Burmese and so I got to try new foods and eating was much easier there even though we ate three times a day. Over those last couple days I was doing okay and everything seemed normal but then I saw myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for bed once I got to school. Yesterday and today before dinner I hardly ate and tonight I binged which I've never done and I feel terrible. As much as I don't want to feel like I do right now anymore, I don't know how I can get past it. Especially when having that bit of hunger feels so comforting.

lovetowrite81
Micayla

Hi Micayla,
I'm sorry to hear that you didn't have the outcome you hoped for at home. That is very discouraging about your day with your mother. I can understand why it would have been difficult to open up in that situation. I'm also sorry to hear that you are in a difficult place right now. How have you been feeling the past few days? I struggled with binge eating for quite a few years and know how difficult that is, and all of the emotions that come with that. It is such a vicious cycle, ED behaviors- but they play off each other. If we continue to restrict, our bodies will try to make up for that, as iwanttolive mentioned. So it is important to do whatever we can to get back on track with regular meals, as difficult as that is.
Just want you to know you're not alone & we're here. Hope to hear from you again soon about how you're doing <3

iwanttolive
micayla9320

Hi there. I am sorry your time out with your mom went poorly. I hate it when my Mom is on the phone when I am with here whether she is texting or talking. I had a talk with her about it and she has been much better. I'll be like...uh Mom, you're with me, please don't answer that text. She is more appropriate now. Maybe you can mention something like that to her?

I am also sorry you are struggling so much. It must have been scary when you binged. How are you doing now. Have you binged anymore? Binging often follows restriction because our bodies are smarter than us. It knows when it needs fuel and will try to get it and that sometimes happens through binging. I am sorry you experienced that.

Also, about being "bad enough", there is no such thing. Everyone needs help at some time. If you are struggling with depression and your eating, you qualify for help. Just if you think you need someone to talk to and have no major things going on, you would qualify for help. There is no magic number that makes one qualify for having an eating disorder. It is in the mind. A mind controller that develops into behaviors. From what you said, you qualify for help. You are having difficulties with asking for help. I am proud of you for taking the step and posting here. That is huge. It is also an indicator that you want to talk with people who understand and we understand here. So please keep posting and think about getting some outside counselling as was suggested. The counselor may help you talk with your parents. It isn't easy especially if you feel brushed off when you tried. I say try again. Like ChooseRecovery said, your Mom knows something is up. So instead of walking around the issue, as difficult as it may be, it might help. I am not diminishing the difficulty in bringing it up. I never had to, my parents came to me and told me I was heading for a hospital if I lost anymore weight. I didn't believe them, lost more and that began my journey into the world of eating disorders. And now I am in recovery. After a very long journey. A newbe in recovery but nonetheless.

You are not alone here. I hope you are realizing that. Please post as much as you need. We are here for you.
iwanttolive

micayla9320
I appreciate the support that

I appreciate the support that I see when I look at these comments. It helps make me feel not quite as crazy. At the same time though I feel like I am slipping from the low spot I was in. I am starting to fail to see the problem more and more. I can get myself to eat at least part of a meal each day I've grown so used to the self-hate and shame that it just feels normal. Where I'm at feels normal and I've reached a point where I just don't want to argue with that little voice in my head that says not one bite allowed. I haven't felt dizzy or had a headache and stomach pains in a while so I feel fine with where I am, regardless of the fact that it might not be a good place yet. Even if I wanted to see someone else besides my school counselors I don't have a car to get anywhere and I don't know that my insurance would cover it. My depression has been worsening and I can't get myself to care about any food issues when I have to gather energy to go to class and work. By the time I finish with that I am lucky to get my homework finished before I can't keep my eyes open anymore.
My friend Abby knows along with a couple others in that friend group and she recently started taking me to the school cafeteria for food again and making me grab stuff. I love her to pieces but I get so mad and snippy with her when she does. I don't realize it at first but I don't mean to. I don't need her to helicopter either though. Once I actually told her to just let me starve if that's what I wanted and then I backtracked, apologizing. I had no idea where that came from though. I normally would never do that to her. I'm not the type of pereson to be snappy like I have been. That's been the only thing lately that doesn't feel like myself at the moment.

nitsirksnej
I can completely relate.. I

I can completely relate.. I am a college student myself and really struggled in seeking help. Because aesthetically I look "normal" it was hard to face someone and say I thought i had an ED.. I've had symptoms for years and years, but now as I finish college and get into a good job it has become overwhelmingly difficult to ignore.

micayla9320
I talked again this morning

I talked again this morning with the school counselor that I see and I think that this is really just not helping. I thought at first that it was just the person I was seeing but since seeing the counseling center I feel like I've gotten worse, not better. I try my best to be open about what I'm feeling and tell them everything that's going on but I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere. Is this something that I've been doing wrong? I thought that counseling was the only way to deal with an eating disorder. If this doesn't work then am I just not able to get past this? I'm scared that nothing will change. At the same time though I'm just as freaked out that it will get better and I will gain a bunch of weight. I try to talk to my friend about it but she doesn't understand and now she is just letting me figure it out and taking a step back. I have no way to explain to her that all I want is a double bacon cheeseburger but the thought of it makes me sick and anxious. Am I going to be able to eat that cheeseburger again or will I always be this anxious? I know I should just eat but I can't. I know that I should care about this more but I can't. I know one thing but my head tells me another completely different thing. Does counseling always work? What am I supposed to do if it doesn't?

ChooseRecovery
Please keep trying

Micayla: In reading your posts I believe you want to get better and that you are taking steps to do so. Of course, there are no magic answers to beat EDs. What works for one person doesn't for someone else. All I can say is keep fighting and keep trying. Because there is hope and there is real possibility for recovery.

I believe counseling is important but not all counselors are the same and we respond as individuals to the person across from us. It can be hard to find one that you connect with. Have you tried getting appointments with different counselors at the center to see if one is more helpful than the other? Is that even a possibility? Or perhaps trying a therapist in your community. You say you don't have a car, but can you possibly get a friend to drive you or take a ride-hailing service such as Uber or Lyft?

I hope you keep fighting for your right to recover. You deserve to be healthy. Please keep us updated.

kelly88
I can relate!

Hey Micayla,
I just joined NEDA today because I feel myself exhibiting some relapse behaviors and I can relate to you so much. I'm a first-year college student too, and I reached out to the nutritionist on my campus and didn't feel like it was helping as much. I don't want to tell my parents about my occasional slips, because I feel like I'll disappoint them.

I just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to talk to someone, we are all here for you, and I'm more than willing to talk to you also!

micayla9320
Today was the first time in

Today was the first time in months that I ate and didn't feel bad about it. I almost don't remember what that feels like. I know it won't stay like this but for right now it feels strange.

iwanttolive
micayla9320

Hi. That is really nice news. Don't despise small steps. More will come and will add upon another. Enjoy today. Don't think about tomorrow. This must have been such a special day. Congratulations. I am really happy for you.
iwanttolive