National Eating Disorders Association

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My Heads A Mess

It’s scary how at one moment you know who you are or at least you have an idea and them all of a sudden you lose yourself or turn into someone you don’t recognize. I didn’t think I would be the type of person to actually pull off an eating disorder, I didn’t think I would ever get as bad as I did or as bad as I’m getting again. I am getting bad again and I’m not really stopping myself. The thoughts are so bad and it’s not the “fat” thoughts that get to me it’s the I am too much, not enough, annoying or failure and I let these thoughts run my life and I let them feed anorexia. I don’t know how to ignore them, so I believe them and then I get depressed, anxious and then I control what I can control most food. I try to eat less because then maybe I won’t be too much anymore but then when I eat I believe people think I eat too much, I believe I am fake for eating and I hate myself. I compare myself to real people and I compare myself to fictional characters. I know it’s horrible, trust me I know. I also know that I’m scared to get better, scared to gain more than I already have and I’m trying my best to reach my goal wait. My goal use to be the weight I am at now, but it’s now too big of a number. I am struggling with anorexia, Iam not trying to get better, I am feeding anorexia and I feel so alone. I’m 26 and I should be over this, I should be an adult and face this, but all I want to do is run and all I want to do is reach that goal weight. I am sorry I am like this, I am sorry I am struggling and I am sorry for everything. I don’t know how to save myself, I don’t know who to text, and I am going to have to do this on my on my own no matter how exhausted I am.

You matter

Reaching out like this is a really good step. I think you need to do a lot of work on self-love and reconnecting with your inner self. Your disorder may be the symptom of all those hard to deal with feelings, not the actual problem. Age has nothing to do with it. I am 36 years old and I am battling a binge eating disorder since 2010.

I know it's hard, but try to take this one day at the time. You don't have to overcome gaining back to much weight at the moment. Focus on the task at hand. Give yourself time. Give yourself love. And reach out again, again, and again.

Hang in there

Age has zero to do with an eating disorder. I'm 53 and have been anorexic since I was 14. It's a journey, a struggle, a war. Talking to others who understand can be helpful. You reached out and that was super courageous of you. Here to help. Remember it's one minute at a time some days. Watch your stress and your triggers. Try to be gentle with yourself. Small goals help. Not as overwhelming.

NEDA Helpline

I think what you are feeling is completely normal. they are feelings and they are valid. One thing I might suggest is calling the Neda Helpline. Their phone lines are open Monday - Thursday from 9:00 am - 9:00 pm and Friday from 9:00 am - 5:00 pm (EST) at 1-800-931-2237
I hope you find peace! KayLeigh


Hi Halleyadriana-
Just wanted to check in with you & see how you've been doing the past few weeks? I hope you have been able to extend yourself some grace where you are at. You are battling a complex mental illness. Having an ED is not your choice. You are not weak for "not being over it" and "not stopping yourself" and you do not have to apologize for struggling. Know that you are never alone-- we are here for you wherever you find yourself at. How have your thoughts been recently? Is there anything you have found helpful in combating those negative, self-shaming thoughts? <3 Be gentle with yourself. Try to take things day by day. Sometimes that's all we can do- keep breathing and trusting that there is hope for better days ahead. Recovery is always possible and I know it's possible for you.