National Eating Disorders Association

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lostgirl
Feeling of hopelessness

Hi! I'm not from the USA and not a native speaker of English, but I've been struggling with ED for almost eight years and that's why I'm here.

My story is quite complicated, but I'm going to explain it somehow, coz I just need to post it to feel better, to get it out of me.

Well, it all started when I was 12 years old (now I'm 20) and when I was right before my first year at the junior high school. After I'd watched a documentary about anorexia during having a class in my elementary school I became petrified that I might get it one day. There were a few similarities between me and the girl who appeared in this documentary , so I thought that it would happen to me. I became afraid of food, I didn't want to experience the moment of feeling no ability to eat, so I became really stressed while eating and (paradoxically!) started eating less. After seeing my therapist for about two years I came back to a normal life just for a ...one year.

When I finished my junior high school and became a high school student I started eating less, but this time it was a real anorexia issue.I had typical symptoms- falling hair, no period, headaches, weight loss, depression. I was extremely sad and after three years living in this way I decided to ask for help. Now I'm seeing a therapist, a nutritionist, but I haven't recovered yet. I'm quite suicidal, coz I find life too hard to cope with. I even searched the Net to find a perfect combination of drugs that could kill me, but I did not try it ir even buy them. In fact I don't wanna die, but I don't wanna live in this way either.My life was pretty tough, I had to cope with the deaths of my loved ones, financial troubles, lack of acceptance I got from my family and bullying issues at school. I wish I could have a wonderful life now, but how to do it?

haleyan31
Lostgirl,

Your story made my heart break. Before I go into anything else, I wanted to share the suicide hotline with you: 1-800-273-8255.

Now, to the supportive stuff! You deserve to live the wonderful life that you want. I know that it looks so far off and almost impossible but I promise you that it is possible. You most definitely deserve it as well. In order to live this life of recovery, it takes hard work. I'm happy that you are talking to a therapist. Have you ever thought about inpatient treatment? Inpatient treatment will let you be around people who are supportive and there to listen. With the suicidal thoughts you have been having, it could be of great help as well. http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-treatment

I promise you that this life is worth living. Recovery is a roller coaster of emotions. You know this because you have been struggling for eight years. Eight years is a long time to have ED ruling your life and you deserve to live a life free from it.

The last thing I wanted to share with you are some Stories of Hope. These are filled with personal stories from people who have suffered just like you. I hope that within these stories, you find the inner strength that I know you have. http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/stories-of-hope

Stay Strong! We are always here to listen and support you. I hope you know that you are worth this recovery and deserve it!

Haley