National Eating Disorders Association

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julesthefox
Drained

After my recent insensitive nurse, I've been having a really difficult time with my anxiety, fighting the behaviors, my body dysmorphia, and my depression. I am at such a low right now; I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired...so tired of fighting what sometimes seems to be such a losing battle...will it ever get better? Would it even matter? I'm so scared to be around and trust people because of all those who left me because of my ED. I'm so alone...I feel so defeated. Like I can't live my own life...I had a panic attack on the way to my therapist today. I almost didn't make it because I felt like I was going to collapse. I just want it all to end...but I know that's not an option. What can I do? It hurts so much to always have to fight so hard.

iwanttolive
julesthefox

Hi. I just wanted to say hi and let you know you are not alone. I am sorry the nurse was insensitive to your needs and didn't really listen to you.
I understand how tiring the fight gets the hopelessness. But I encourage you not to
I can tell you from personal experience that it can get better. I am so much better than I was. I almost died several times and was hospitalized 25 times some a year some six months some two weeks. I have been in day programs and weekly therapy. I was self harming all the time. Now I am not self harming and binging. Recently I have been having GI problems which us affecting my eating.

So yes we can get better. I don't have severe trauma issues but I do have trauma. I just lost some of what I wrote, so I think I was saying I understand about hopelessness but I encourage you not to give up hope. Hope is what sustains us and helps us continue to fight when we think we can no longer fight. Keep posting, keep reaching out. iwanttolive

lovetowrite81
Julesthefox

Hi Julesthefox,

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I wish I had more of an answer- all I can tell you is that I totally understand how you feel. Many of us on the forums can. It is so exhausting. The battle with ED is so long and weary. But we have to keep fighting. As much as it may not seem like it right now, there is hope in all of this. I can echo Iwanttolive in that I have been behavior-free for 2 and a half years now, and would consider myself fully recovered. It is possible. And I believe in recovery for you. Is there anyone you are leaning on for support in this difficult time? Or coping tools that you have found helpful in combating the anxiety/panic or depression? I can tell you, I've been there- know that you are not alone. We all know the struggle. But there is healing and hope, and it is an exhausting process & takes work and energy and sometimes feels useless- but you are getting there, with every therapy session, with every time you resist behaviors, with every day you wake up and decide to keep fighting. Know that. You are so strong <3 Keep us posted on how you are doing.

julesthefox
Thank you

Thank you all for your support and comfort. I do have a therapist and a few friends I can talk to. It just seems to be getting harder and harder to deal with everything. I'm just so tired of living this way. It's hard to see the light, the end to all this pain.

hermione3
I totally understand how you

I totally understand how you feel. I have been near death more than once hospitalized well i lost count of how many times at one point was basically living in and out of day, inpatient, iop loop for like a straight 2 years. I am not recovered yet i am working on it and am going through a lot of hard things right now and often feel like giving up because it seems hopeless and nothing is going to change but I now have a full time job, live on my own and all of that was told to me that it would never happen i was basically considered hopeless because my trauma and eating disorder were so severe... so i have come a long way in that sense. I am working hard and it sucks a lot of the days but working at recovery because life has to be better than this and my life now is way better than it was i mean sort of there are recent bad events but i am trying to focus on the good things i do have. try to find things that matter to you like i care so much for my job and like thinking i would leave behind my cat things like that. don't give up. keep reaching out for support and just keep fighting we can all do this.

julesthefox
I honestly just feel bad

I honestly just feel bad about myself. I can't get a job, and I can't beat this or my anxiety/depression. Nothing helps. Nothing works. I just feel like I might be a burden to all of those who support and care. It would be easier for everyone to enjoy themselves if I could get better. I just am having so much trouble believing I could ever get better.

klanza
julesthefox

Hey julesthefox, I just wanted to let you know that you're cared about and that you're not alone in your struggles. It sounds like you do have people around you that are trying to provide support, and I know it can be easy to assume that we're being a burden to other people, but more often than not they really want to help you and care about you deeply. Maybe you can try talking to them about it?

If you need to talk to someone in case of a crisis, you can call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or you can text "NEDA" to 741741.

Remember to never give up, and that we're always here for you on the NEDA forums

lovetowrite81
Julesthefox

Hi Julesthefox,

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing this week. I have been thinking of you. I am so sorry that you have been struggling so much recently with anxiety and depression. I have totally been there. Know that no matter what your thoughts are trying to tell you, you are not a burden. People truly care about you and want to be there to support you. Regardless of how dark it seems right now- I want you to know that there is hope. Recovery is possible for you and I believe you will get there. So proud of you for continuing to fight and persevere even when it is so difficult and it seems hopeless. Sometimes all we can do is keep going, and keep taking it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a moment at a time. Please keep us posted on how you are doing <3

julesthefox
That means a lot

Thank you for all your support. I have always felt like a burden, honestly as far back as I can remember. I just wish there was more I could do in life. I wish I wasn't so bogged down with anxiety and depression that I isolate myself and create a routine that keeps me from doing what I really want. I have forgotten how to live. And it hurts to see so many others around me doing what I try so hard to do. I even had multiple panic attacks simply due to an exam for a class. I'm so scared that I can't handle simple aspects of life and will never get out of this pain...
It means so much when you respond to me. I'm sorry I'm so down right now and can't be as supportive. I'm just so alone...it's been so long that I've been suffering that is seems like people have either given up on me or forget about me. They just find other people...I reach out, but it's just so exhausting. Life is so exhausting

lovetowrite81
Julesthefox

Of course! I can totally understand. Anxiety and depression are so so hard. Life is exhausting. It is difficult to see others seemingly doing things without a problem- but we have to remember that everyone is going through their own struggles that we don't know about, even though they are not the same ones.
I hope you know that you are never alone. We are here for you and won't give up on you. There is always hope, and I believe in you. <3
-Lovetowrite81

Savedbygrace
I've been there

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel like that sometimes. Know you're cared about and loved on here for just being who you are. You matter. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but GOD created you beautifully in HIS perfect image. Psalm 139 is really good to read when you feel like this. It will happen. Someday you will overcome this. Take it one bite at a time. Praying for you.