National Eating Disorders Association

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hermione3
doing my best...sorry its long

My cat just deleted all i wrote so anyway trying again. I am doing well i guess in some ways but recent family struggles are just causing a lot of pain and flashbacks and nightmares are eating me alive. but i am trying. i am doing what my therapist says and going to sleep when i start spiraling some may not find that the best coping but she tells me sometimes the day just needs to end and then try again the next day. i am fighting urges she knows i am. she is so proud of me i don't want to let her down and i know i won't she knows i am hurting she said none of how i have changed changes that but she wants me to see my growth because she said like me in daycare seeing someone grow and change is a great feeling and seh feels i have grown and changed so much. she is wonderful and she told me she knows my family has hurt me and my abuse and ptsd and my eating disorder has always been considered severe i get to ok points but never been really recovered. i try she told me i always try i get stubborn likei said last year when she said i needed more friends i don't know how and i can't and i won't i like the ones i have. now this year i am close to a couple coworkers who i do stuff with. idk its weird she said my being so stubborn may drive her crazy but i do things my way. she has always believed in me and it makes a big difference no other professional has they saw me as hopeless and she never did she said i am too strong for that an di am showing my strength now. i am facing a lot but still keeping up with my life that i don't want to lose what she always said build a life you want to protect. things are a mess at my job too so i am just struggling with family and work i love the kids but the bosses are making it rough...firing people no one feels safe. and they just did a major blow of one person who was like the heart of the place. i am doing my best its just i still hurt she says she knows i am hurting and she said she cares and my whole treatment team really does which is true they all do they have all been wonderful. since the stuff with my parents my therapist has checked in on me everyday and told me to live and focus on the moment doing my best...flashbacks and nightmares are not letting up its exhausting...

jeba237
We are all here to help!

Hey hermione3,
Sorry to hear that you're feeling frustrated and exhausted. You sound like you have an awesome support team though! Please don't give up hope and remember that you are an awesome and strong person and you can beat this! We are always here to help and talk on the forums when you need it. Keep us updated! :)
If you need immediate support besides here on the forums, you can text "NEDA" to 741741. Hope that helps!

hermione3
thanks just having a hard

thanks just having a hard time.my psychiatrist also texted me this morning to check in she is not as close to me as my therapist but it meant a lot that she just checked in to see how i am doing after all the family drama that went on last week. she talked to my therapist so knew i guess but she said i will just push through like i have been doing. its hard right now i just have to keep trying i just want to give up most of the time...

julesthefox
Support

It is so nice that you have such a good support team on your side. That really helps. And it shows how proud they are of you, and how proud you should be of yourself! You have gone through so much, but you continue on. You have such compassion and care. I hope you continue to grow and thrive and show the world what a beautiful and amazing person you are!
I know the feeling of wanting to give up. I'm there a lot myself. But somehow, both of us are still here. Somehow, we are still trying. Think about that. It may seem hopeless at times, but here as we are is proof that hope does exist! It may be longer than we want, but it is there. And I am here for you, cheering you on. I KNOW you can do this; you already are.
Lots of love,
Julesthefox

hermione3
thanks for the support it

thanks for the support it means a lot. my team is awesome and really care and do everything for me. my therapist also said i have to take certain things as moods not how things are not dismissing anything just saying sometimes i just have to try again tomorrow like the other day i was depressed and nothing would pull me out and then i feel like i am drowning. i didn't eat great a few days over the weekend and my therapist said i just can't do that. my parents talked about my brother and how he tried to take his life a few times or something and she was like that makes you want to restrict more because its like what have i been doing for 23 years like passively but i could have died numerous times they were told i could have...and i feel now because they are helping him i have to be sick for their attention my therapist does not love that.part of why she feels i need to distance from them well i am going to try to find a balance of acceptance and like distance...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

It's so wonderful that you have such a great treatment team (: I agree with your therapist's advice- that all we can do is keep trying again tomorrow. And you're right, some days will be significantly more difficult than others, and all we can do is keep going on. I can totally see the connection between your parent's attention and having to be sick to attain that- and that is really powerful insight to have. As always, keep walking the path, keep fighting the good fight. You are cared for <3

hermione3
My team is wonderful and i am

My team is wonderful and i am thankful for that they are so caring and supportive of me and it is not like fake. yea there is a connection of my parents and having to be sick my therapist feels they put me in the sick role that was in part why my therapist wanted me to move out she felt i would never feel recover living there. for abuse memories and my parents. now i couldn't imagine living with them after all the drama that has happened. My therapist is so proud of me and feels my obessive thoughts have improved so she feels my meds are helping for once she says i may not have noticed and she said she is not trying to diminish the pain i feel right now at all. she has been in contact with my psychiatrist and she said yes she is struggling but she is ok and she knows i don't feel that way so she doesn't want me to feel like she is not hearing me. my therapist is so proud of me and i know thats good but idk and i know that its just i want to starve like today i have missed most of my meal plan both scheduling and just ending up talking to my roomate instead of eating i know excuses but i saw my weight on my scale and my nutritionist said i didn't gain and i want to lose but it wouldn't benefit me...but yet part of me still wants it.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

That's so amazing that your therapist has been able to see so much progress in you- that's awesome. I agree that it does seem like the best thing for your recovery that you are not living with your parents and think that was such a positive step forward. How are you feeling today in terms of food and following your meal plan? <3 Thinking of you this week.

hermione3
i have had ups and downs with

i have had ups and downs with my meal plan recently. moving forward is hard and i am working on acceptance. also frustrated i can't accept but my therapist said she did not expect that so quickly its not going to be easy...i am just struggling also she said i am not doing the things that had been working. i am not really journaling and not being very social not so good for me. i am trying she even texted me today she is proud of me though i don't know why sometimes...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm proud of you for your work with acceptance-- and yes, it is a long process. You will get there. There are going to be ups and downs, with how we are handling food and recovery in general. Times we feel emotionally stronger or not so much. Despite what you have or have not been doing, we are so proud of you as well. For just persevering and continuing on <3

hermione3
Thank you for the support. I

Thank you for the support. I am trying it's hard I have to get back to journaling and being more social that does help I am just struggling to not isolate and do much also been working a lot of hours well this week I am exhausted...it's all a lot of work when dealing with emotional stuff