National Eating Disorders Association

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anne3292
Ballooned

Who came up with the word “ballooned?” Turning “balloon” into a verb must be an act of genius. It combines a sense of surprise one has that such a tiny thing can become so big in such a short time. When I think about my journey (spiral? free-fall? Sojourn?), “ballooned” is the word I return to again and again.

It’s terrifying to watch the numbers on the scale go up without knowing how to slow them down. What I had done in the past wasn’t working. They gym is terrifying with all those mirrors. My belly gets in the way of even the simplest poses in yoga. And even walking brings too much of my attention to my body. And I don’t have any new tools to change.

What’s so weird is that I’m really, truly, enjoying food for the first time. I savor my time with food rather than dread it. I have my favorite meals. And I honor that meal with love and am grateful for it. I have identified certain “love meals”.

I’m terrified to let this go. I cannot live, as I once did, with a list as long as my arm of foods I’m Not Allowed to Eat. I binge and purge: I make myself throw-up. I’m getting married in a week. I’ve bought three of the same dress in different sizes as I’ve put on weight. I cry in the car on the way home thinking about getting up in front of our friends and family and looking like this. It’s not that I feel fat, or ugly, but freakish. I feel deformed. I feel abnormal to the point of being unlovable.

I’ve learned that constantly asking my fiancé if he loves me, if he’s going to marry me on our wedding day, if he wants to marry me even, is unsustainable, corrosive even. So I keep my mouth shut most of the time, even though I wonder all of the time. Will he be there when I walk down the aisle? Is he doing this because he fell in love with a thinner girl? Is he just sticking it out even though he doesn’t want to be with me?

I can’t get up from sitting on the floor easily. Two separate people have asked me if I was pregnant and neither believed me the first time I told them I was not. The only outfit I feel comfortable in is something of a Western burqa: black maxi dress with a black cardigan. Cover me. Don’t look at me. I don’t wear makeup because I can’t bear to look at my face in the mirror for that long. In fact, if I accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, I’ll be guaranteed to run crying to the bathroom. I look down and away from glass doors. My skin hurts. I run into things constantly because I don’t realize how big I am. I don’t shower as often because I don’t want to touch my own body.

eghall
I believe in you

I can hear how badly you are suffering. It sounds as if your ED is stealing a lot from you - the ability to see any beauty, the trust in your relationship and this time in your life when things should be happy and exciting (your engagement). The one tool to change that I'm wondering if you've tried is talking with a treatment professional. Treatment is really the only way to break your cycle of eating disorders. You are starting a very exciting chapter of marriage. You and your fiance deserve to move into this next phase without your eating disorder. There is a life between not being able to put on makeup and having a list of forbidden foods the size of your arm. Treatment will get you there. Then you and your husband can just have the two of you to focus on. What are your thoughts on recovery? Here is a good place to start:
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-treatment

anne3292
I accidentally saw a photo of

I accidentally saw a photo of myself from the wedding and I cried nonstop for almost an entire day. Sometimes sobbing, sometimes just letting the tears roll down my face. All this on our honeymoon. A third person asked if I was pregnant. I'm not pregnant. I'm feeling fat. And now that the stress of the wedding is over, I'm struggling with my body image. I have to admit I don't care if I use ED behaviors. I can't believe people even talk to me. I can't believe anyone takes me seriously. I'm really struggling with using behaviors in response to how I feel.

Edited by: _admin_moderator on 6/10/13 - 9:14am

BrianaM200
Can you really tell anything about someone by their weight?

I'm glad the stress from your wedding is over, but it sounds like you're really struggling, wouldn't you like to enjoy your honeymoon and to stop body-hating? Weight stigmas can be felt by many sufferers, but it is not a reflection of who you are! Of course people want to talk to you and will take you seriously. Health at any/every size can be a goal and you don't have to suffer through this alone. Have you considered calling the NEDA Helpline? Sometimes taking through some of these feelings could be helpful, and they can help point you in the right direction on how to overcome this!
Call 1-800-931-2237 MWF 9-5, TuTh 9-8EST to speak to a volunteer.

anne3292
Fat Suit

I thought I did a little, just a little better eating last week. Then this morning I had a bicuit breakfast this morning and I feel terrible. My dad sent me a picture of my new husband and on our wedding day. It's shocking. I mean, I've easily doubled in size from three years ago. I feel constantly like crawling under a rock. I can't touch my face, or look at my fat wrists. Why would he like me? Does he even? I feel like I'm in the way. I don't feel desireable. I want to be the perfect wife in every other way because I am so hideous. ...I just went into the bathroom and wept. I work 12 hour days so it is hard to get up and take a walk, but I mostly just blame myself. I'm lazy? Am I? I'm just so tired and so disinterested in waking up.

eghall
Abusive Relationship - with your ED

You are not lazy. You are not undeserving. You are simply sick. You may be newly married, but you are stuck in an abusive relationship with Ed. Notice that the words 'undesirable' 'does he like me' and 'lazy' are coming from within, from your Ed, NOT your husband. You mentioned in a previous post that you don't care if you use ED behaviors, but I'm hearing something entirely different. You do care. Your ED tells you that you don't, but you are not your ED.

What are your thoughts on seeing a therapist? You and your husband deserve to enter into marriage as whole beings, being there for each other. You are both being cheated of this by your ED. Marriage is a beautiful thing and you deserve to experience that. Would you be willing to see a therapist?