National Eating Disorders Association

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Bujeaneo
All or Nothing

Hi!
I'm new to this forum stuff, and to most other current and cool high-tech things, (no I'm not an old person) :D
Thus, I'm excited to get started!

I've been struggling with anorexia for almost a year, and have been in recovery for about eight months. When I first agreed to start the recovery process, I only did so half-heartedly. I ate most of what was put in front of me, but I always left a little food on my plate. I wanted to maintain my weight, but not gain any. Exercise was the hardest part, and I'm sorry to say that I didn'y even try to resist the temptation. Although I was forced to stop all exercise, except yoga and slow walking, Ed simply created another outlet of obcession. Leg-lift became my new obcession. I was convinced that doing them for at least seven hous a day would keep my legs toned. It did, but I started to feel like I didn't have a life. I just sat in one chair for hours, lifting my legs. How pathetic!I had just substituted one obcession for another.

If you leave the door open a little ED with find the crack, pry it open, and fill you with even more fear. Don't give him that chance! Slam the door in his face and bolt it closed. Cut him off completely.

That is easier said than done I know, but trust me. I've been there, and in many ways, am still there. But if you truly wan't to recover, you have to put you all into it. Fight with your whole heart! It's All or Nothing!!!

Comforting Hugs, and God's love

Bujeaneo

afriskyr
Thank you for sharing. I am

Thank you for sharing. I am at the start of recovery and can relate to the half-hearted efforts you describe. My therapist (T) came up with a treatment plan and I have a treatment team consisting of my T, dietitian, and medical doctor. It is all kind of overwhelming. What is really challenging is that I keep having to increase my calories and I am only allowed to exercise a certain amount of time per day. Believe me I am very tempted to restrict and over exercise every day. I want to be all in to recovery but am not there yet obviously but hopefully I will get there.

Bujeaneo
Yes! Please have hope! You

Yes! Please have hope! You have already overcome a very big hurdle by recognizing that you need help, and by agreeing to the recovery process. That's more than I can say. I was forced into it. If it hadn't been for the concern of my parents, I may not have chosen to recover. I am so thankful for the people who love me. They speak the truth when my head is full of lies.

Your "support team" sounds very similar to mine. My docor, dietician, and T are so great!
When I first started with my meal plan, I was terrified. I counted every calorie, although I had been told not to. However, when my meal plan was increased, I wasn't sure if I could handle knowing how many calories I was eating, so I stopped counting. It was incredibly freeing. I don't think there is anything wrong with watching my calories when I'm at a healthy weight and have a healthy mind, but during recovery, it only gave me more anxiety. I mean... There's nothing I can do about it anyway. I have to eat, I have to have a healthy body and mind , and thank God, I'm starting to want to! And so are you! That's the first step!

afriskyr
Hi

I know what you mean about calorie counting being stressful. Last night I spent 40 minutes or longer putting together food for work the next day and calculating calories. My T wants me to keep track because she said we need to get me up to the proper calorie range. My D told me she wants me to eventually break away from calorie counting. I see my D this week to come up with some healthy meal plans which will hopefully cut down on the time I spend stressing over it. I know I'm a long way from the time when I won't count calories because I'm so afraid of gaining weight so I am so careful about the number of calories I eat.

I am upset with myself for exercising more than I was supposed to yesterday. I don't want to tell my T but I will because I would feel guilty not being totally honest. I hope my T can help me better control my distorted thoughts that lead me to want to restrict and over exercise.

Bujeaneo
Oh my gosh! That sounds

Oh my gosh! That sounds exactly like me! I use to think about food and exercise about 110% of the time, and much of that time was used to plan my meals and calculate calories. My Dietician strictly advised against counting, and she gave me a meal plan that was supposed to help. Instead of a set amount of calories per day, I was to eat a certain number of servings of different food groups. This was incredibly hard for me at first, not only because of the calories, but because I had been vegan. I hadn't eaten dairy or meat in years! It took a long time for me to stop counting calories, and I still have slip-ups. However, one thing that has helped me deal with anxiety and obcession is being on a light dose of medication. My doctor said this is very common for people recovery from ED. It might be something to discus with your support team. : )

I think I'll start a new post about exercising during recovery. That's one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

Thank you so much for responding! I was really afraid that knowone would be interested in what I have to say, but I'm so glad to have joined this forum! Being able to relate to people and help them, while getting help myself, is just wonderful!

michael26
You can do it!!!

Hi afriskyr!!

Sorry you had a rough time yesterday. We sometimes experience these little bumps in our recovery, but by no means are they examples of failure! The fact that you want to address these bumps and work towards recovery even more is AWESOME! I think this truly shows how strong you are!

I know it is hard informing your therapist about behaviors, but she is there to help! If she doesn't know what is going on, how can she support you in the best way? Although we certainly want you to recover, your therapist realizes that it is a process and that she will be there for you along each step of the way.

You mentioned a lot about counting and other ED thoughts. I know how frustrating it can be to still have them so loud even when we are wanting them to go away. But, please remember that the longer you fight and act opposite to these thoughts, the quieter and quieter those thoughts will become!!

How are you doing today? Were you able to find a positive during your day that you could be mindful of?

Hope you are well!!

afriskyr
Michael26,

Michael26,

Thank you for the encouragement. I am always honest with my T even when it is hard. I know she is here to help me and I know that I need to follow the treatment plan no matter how hard. Because I've always been so independent it is really hard to admit and accept that I need help and rely on someone else to decide how much I should eat and exercise. But I really trust my T more than myself because when my ED takes over I do not make healthy choices or have good thoughts about myself.

Finding the positive in all this is challenging. I was upset with myself after yesterday's T session because after I told her I was having trouble admitting my ED out loud to myself, she gave me the opportunity to do so right there but I couldn't do it for whatever reason. I really wanted to admit it out loud so that maybe I will feel like I can share it with someone in my life. But after I came home I started thinking about how I could tell someone and wrote out an example of how I might do it which is hopefully a positive step. I'm going to wait until next week's therapy session to show to my T and I want to ask her to help me say it out loud this time even if I have to repeat the words she says or something.

LegacyofLove
Great job Afriskyr!

Dear Afriskyr,

GREAT JOB! I think you taking the time to write out an example of how you might admit to someone you have an ED, so that you are better prepared to take the next step in your recovery when you meet with your T next time, is CLEARLY a POSITIVE step!

Keep up the great work. It's okay that some days are more challenging than others. Recovery is a process, but your ongoing commitment to this keeps you on the right path towards a healthy, loviing and fulfilling life free of an ED! I'm proud of YOU!

Healing Hugs,
Legacy of Love