National Eating Disorders Association

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Anne_m
After weight is restored. /: ):

Hi everyone. I'm brand new here - not even sure if I'm doing the right thing. I just needed to find a way communicate with people who GET me, understand when I say things like "today was not a good day in terms of eating". I hope I can find that here.
I'm also not sure what stage of an eating disorder one has to be in to post in this particular forum. I'm at the awkward stage where I've been really small and thin, and am now almost fully weight restored - feeling gross every single day, and trying to keep my head up. I desperately want to share my story in the hope that I'll receive some advice or knowledge. I've tried to condense it, but it is a LONG and a little bit of a drag. But then again, aren't all of our ED stories.
About 3 years ago I lost a significant amount of weight. This did not go on for years, only a few months, not more than 4. I did NOT exercise for unhealthy lengths of time but sometimes frantically at odd times in the day, no matter where I was. My Mom refused to allow me to eat as little as I did, so I began eating more. I didn't see a dietician to help direct my re-feeding. I wasn't on any strict plan for a little over 2 years. So my eating habits were really bizarre and unhealthy. I had the tendency to overeat, especially at night. This went on for about 2 years. Of course, I gained back lots of weight. In the last 4 months I've made some significant changes: almost no overeating (only occassionally), more exercise.
Then about 3 months ago, I started to see a dietician. I was advised to make specific changes to the nutritional composition of my diet, which I feel good about doing. My diet is under control for most of the time. I feel as though I really eat a lot because I am often really full and often uncomfortable after eating. I'm continuing to gain weight and lots of fat. I'm almost fully recovered to the weight I was before the eating disorder. I'm not sure if I can expect to ever lose the excess fat that sits on my thighs, arms and face? I'm just really frustrated, and it's killing me to see nothing change despite my change in habits. Thank you so much in advance.

nanzhu
Stay strong!

Hi Anne_m,
First, thank you for sharing your story on the forums! It's not easy to talk about such a personal topic, but I think it's so motivating that you've taken this important step in trying to get healthier! I'm glad to hear you've started seeing a dietician - I think that's a great step in the right direction and important to making sure you're getting the right fuel for your body. Have you seen any other professionals, such as a doctor, therapist, or ED specialist? I think that reaching out to another medical professional with experience in ED recovery can be helpful in dealing with some of the frustrations that you're experiencing. A huge part of recovery is getting over not only the physical habits (eating, exercising) but also the thoughts behind how you see yourself as a person beyond just your weight or physical appearance, and that's the part that I think professionals have the knowledge and experience to help with.

The NEDA Helpline (1-800-931-2237 M-R 9-9 F 9-5 EST) is a great resource to help you find other resources and options. In the meantime, here are some links that might be helpful:
Stages of change in recovery: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/understanding-stages-change-reco...
Seeking and securing treatment: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/seeking-and-securing-treatment
Size diversity: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/size-diversity
Positive body image: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/developing-and-maintaining-posit...

I hope this helps - you're on the right track! Keep going!
Best,
Nan

Anne_m
Thank you for such a quick

Thank you for such a quick response, and for being so warm.

I saw a doctor regarding my absence of periods, but at the time my Mom didn't know I had an eating disorder. My dietician specialised in Eating disorders and herself had had an eating disorder. Something I tend to worry about is what a cost it is to my parents, when the entire thing is my fault. I definitely feel though, that I am in a position where I know that starving yourself only causes more self-hate in the future because unless you die, you have to live with eventually having to gain weight. I wish that while I was googling ways to lose more weight, I was as interested in the what came after - like gaining it back eventually and feeling worse than ever. But obviously, once you've fell in the hole it's too late.

Anyway, I apologise for babbling. Thanks again for your support! I will definitely have a look at those articles.

KDekyi:D
Hello my lovely,

Hello my lovely,

I know it's hard but don't feel like it's your fault. It's not. You didn't know the choices you were making were unhealthy; you made the choices that seemed best for you at the time. It's so easy to berate ourselves for past actions. But, in my experience, it doesn't bring us anything, except perhaps more feelings of negativity. That was then and this is now. I doubt your parents are even thinking about the money element - they just want you to be well, both mentally and physically. They want what's best for you now. You deserve this attention being paid to you. Always remember that though none of us are perfect, we are all worthy of love. Allow others to give this to you and soon you will allow yourself to feel it for you too.

Babble away. I believe that if people babbled out their problems more, they'd be a lot less tension in the world!

Take very good care of yourself, I'm sending you love,
KD.

Anne_m
I can't believe the kindness

I can't believe the kindness and support I'm receiving. I'm so grateful, thank you so much.
I think you're definitely right about me thinking it was the right thing to do at the time. It's difficult, and I can't wait to see the end of it. I will take all the advice I can get :)

Thanks again, and God bless you for being so kind.
Anne

Cosmia
Moving Forward

I agree with KDekyi:D. Feeling guilty about the cost to your parents isn't going to help you recover and can only serve to negatively affect your mental health. Blaming yourself for your experience is no different than someone blaming himself or herself for getting appendicitis, as brain chemistry and environmental influences are completely out of our control. All you can do is move forward, and it sounds like you're doing just that! Seeking the help of a dietician and the support of the members of this forum are both great steps towards health.

Best of luck!

-Michelle

Anne_m
Hi Michelle! I only saw your

Hi Michelle! I only saw your response now, I don't know how I missed it.

Thank you, first of all. It's different when you put it that way. I do hope I'll start seeing it that way soon, but I think it might take a while.

Thanks again, keep well :)
Anne

torib23
Though I can't really offer

Though I can't really offer you specific advice from personal experience, I can tell you for a fact that you will find so much support here. Whether or not we know you personally, we've gone through what you're going through, and I know how comforting it is to know that you're not alone. I would definitely check out the links that nanzhu sent, and absolutely continue to post on here. I hope you find the great community of support on here that I did :)

Stay strong!
Tori

Anne_m
Hi Tori,

Hi Tori,
I am finding the support unbelievable. It's amazing - and I'm excited about being on here. I think it's just what I need.
Thank you so much.
Anne

Emmie
Every body is different and

Every body is different and reacts differently in recovery, so it's impossible for anyone, even medical professionals, to predict how your body is going to respond to recovery. The only way to know is to do it. My body went through phases in recovery; puffy face, water weight, poor digestion (aka big belly), but with time and consistent self care, it all settled down and I now look the same as I did before my ED 10 years ago. You need to get to a place where you want recovery so bad that you don't care how much fat is on your thighs at the end.

Anne_m
Hello! Thank you for

Hello! Thank you for responding.

I look almost the exact same I looked before ED. But it's not like I was 'thin'. So it's not like I'm chuffed about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY happy to be able to eat again - and I'm enjoying the freedom.
Great to know you've been able to come full circle though.

Take care,
Anne

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Sandysmith537,

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