National Eating Disorders Association

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malinnea
Afraid I'll binge after 16 days b/p free

Hi,

I'm on my 16th b/p free day but I'm getting nervous. I have come this far several times but it's like "hey it's been going so well a b/p is bound to happen whenever". It's like having anxiety for several days and finally you give up because you're so mentally tired that you don't have the stamina to fight anymore and it "just happens".

I feel like that's me atm. I'm so mentally tired which is one of my major risks. I sleep, I take care of myself but I have notecied how my thoughts are more and more focused towards food. Also I'm PMS:ing...you know the feeling sad, happy, cry cycle and that doesn't help a bit.

I ate a bit too much last night but I told my bf "well at least it wasn't a binge and it's not catastrfic=)) He replied that I should stop making excuses for eating too much. Yeah he might have a point and it annoys me but at the same time he can't understand the feeling (i hear the excuses and bad reasoning I'm doing right now). I do overeat on evenings which is a behaviour I have a really hard time to change and my excuse is "as long it's not a binge it's more accepteble". I know it's not a lasting solution but it's one right now, good or bad I don't know...

Just felt I had to share this with people that understand and can relate.
<3

spaceyandsweet82
Hi malinnea

Hang in there its tough. 16 days is a big step but I know how hard it is to fight the urges to b/p. I keep trying to take it a day at a time and it seems I only go as far as 4 or 5 days and to start over. Have you thought of other ways to reduce anxiety? Mine is music and canvas painting or being with my cat. I like to write a lot. What about journaling? Do you also ever ask yourself is it worth starting over the progress? Just remember though its only human to have slip ups and don't be too hard on yourself. I was told that by a lot of good supporters on here but still trying to tell myself that. I hope this helps.

Adage
Well said spaceyandsweet82.

Well said spaceyandsweet82.

Hey malinnea. It is often said that the road to recovery has many ups and downs. Whether or not slips and relapses are inevitable may be a question more philosophical than one person can answer. I will say that although I don't think recovery has to be absolute from the get go, I think that is is possible to relieve tension in more constructive ways.

I may be wrong but if an event "just happens" then preventing it from happening should be a simple matter of preparation. If its going to rain then pack an umbrella. That being said this is much more complex and personal and it is an action taken, not an event that happens to you. I think that's the essence of what I want to say. Ultimately in terms of active behaviours, those are things that we do and it logically follows that those are things that we can stop doing. That's easier said then done, absolutely, but it can be addressed a bit at a time.

I think that's how real progress is made and maintained, a little at a time over a long period of time. It builds up and becomes habit.

Here's a little food for thought:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/slips-lapses-and-relapses
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/stories-of-hope
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/stories-of-hope

dropthemetaphor
re: Afraid I'll binge after 16 days b/p free

Hi malinnea--just wanted to add that I think it's actually a huge accomplishment to overeat without taking it the next step to a full-blown binge! When I was recovering from bulimia, there were so many times when I would either overeat, sense that I was overeating and then stop, or start a binge and stop halfway through (either halfway through what I had planned if I had something planned, or just stopping myself even though I knew I wanted more/could definitely binge way more).

In those moments I actually sometimes felt more powerful than if I had never overeaten at all, because for me, it meant I was able to defeat perfectionism. No, I didn't follow my meal plan perfectly, and I ate more than I should have to feel comfortable and full, and those are definite ED behaviors that I knew I'd have to conquer in the long-term. But I also didn't just say, "Well, now that I've started XYZ behavior, I might as well just keep going--I can start recovery again tomorrow/Sunday/whenever." I think sometimes when we enter the mindset associated with our ED behaviors, it’s tempting to feel like we’ve failed already and there’s no point fighting anymore until we can get a clean slate. But in recovery, every moment has the potential to be a clean slate, even the moment you’re reaching back for more to continue the binge you’ve already started.

I don't think people understand exactly how difficult it is to overcome that black-and-white thinking when you're in the grips of a binge urge and fighting off your ED. So I just wanted to say a big KUDOS as sort of a foil to what your boyfriend said to you. Our partners try so hard, but a lot of times they say completely the wrong thing. Honestly, I think this is a really self-aware post and it doesn't sound like you're making excuses at all--just trying your best during a really difficult process. You're not alone and I'm proud of your accomplishments this week! Keep us posted!

malinnea
Thank you

I got teary eyes reading this. Thank you. It means a lot hearing those words from someone that really understands. And...20 days b/p free and counting. xx

dropthemetaphor
re: Thank you

Anytime!!! Seriously, whenever you need advice or just a shoulder, we are here! And CONGRATULATIONS on your continued recovery! Stay brave and strong! XX

malinnea
Thank you guys for the support

On 20 days now. Please know all your advice and words are appreciated :)

lovetowrite81
Malinnea

That's awesome Malinnea! :) You should do something to celebrate- that is truly wonderful. Keep us posted and keep it up <3

-Lovetowrite81

lovetowrite81
Malinnea

Hi Malinnea,

Just wanted to check in with you & see how you've been feeling? Thinking of you <3

-Lovetowrite81

spaceyandsweet82
That's amazing malinnea. You

That's amazing malinnea. You should be proud of yourself. You got this.

chunkymonkey68
Good luck, hope you dont either, but.....

if you do, its not really the end of the world and part of recovery is accepting how to deal with slip ups. If your appetite is way out of control try and do what helps you, but in the end its all gonna work out. There are always 2nd chances and an entire life ahead of you to practice Healthy and Mindful Eating Habits. Stay Strong and Healthy.....

Erin_Patricia1
You're doing great malinnea!

Hi malinnea!

Just wanted to say congratulations on all of your hard work!! I know how difficult the recovery process can be but I hope you know you're not alone in this! We are all here for you so feel free to comment and reach out on here as often as you would like!

Erin_Patricia1 <3

malinnea
You guys are awesome!

It was some time ago I was online here but when I read your replies it made me really happy!
I'm also veeeery proud to say that I haven't purged yet! I've been purge free for 5 weeks now. This is the second longest time ever since I got sick, 7 years ago. Now I'm aiming to beat my old record of 6 weeks.

It is still hard though. Tonight is one of those night, which is also a reason I came online here. I feel hungry and insatiable even though I am eating plenty. Maybe I just have to accept that and stop eating and put up with the feeling (absolutely hate that though). Also, last night I had a dream where I was pretty much was forced to weigh myself (like if weighing myself would hinder the bad guys from doing something evil...yeah right) and I was terrified of what that would do to me. I hid the scale 1 month ago and I strongly believe, not focusing or knowing my numbers at all has really helped me not to purge or to stress about my weight.

Again, thank you guys. Knowing I can go here is a big comfort =) How are you all?<3

lovetowrite81
Malinnea

That's wonderful :) I am SO proud of you. This is definitely something to celebrate! I know how hard it is and admire your perseverance so much. It really is so difficult to just sit in the discomfort- and I think that's what a lot of ED is about. Learning to sit with what is hard and messy without leaning onto behaviors to cope. And you have been doing it. Keep up the incredible work <3

-Lovetowrite81